Walking a Tightrope, part 2

Last May, I wrote a post about the importance of high nurture/high structure parenting. I called it "Walking a Tightrope" because it's a tricky thing to do - it takes a LOT of practice, and it's easy to lose your footing and veer off to one side or the other. When I slip and land on the high structure/low nurture side, I turn in to a controlling, unhappy person: I'm so busy demanding right behaviour from my children (and being upset with them when they don't do the right thing) that I don't spend time connecting with them and making sure they feel loved and safe. Occasionally I fall off the other side where nurture is high and structure is low. At these times I'm usually too exhausted to guide them through the correct behaviour so I give up and end up reaping the consequences of being overly permissive!

Lately I've been recognizing another application of the high nurture/high structure approach. Not surprisingly, we've been dealing with some challenging behaviours since the Christmas holidays. One of our boys has been unable to handle the smallest disappointments, melting down over a lack of rice krispies in the cereal cupboard, for example! He's been taking out his frustration in unacceptable ways, and I have found myself turning into that unhappy, controlling mother - demanding better behaviour while attempting to punish him by withdrawing my love. What I've learned is that as structure increases, nurture needs to increase as well. In other words, the more behaviour I need to correct, the more opportunities I need to make to connect. This may mean reading stories on the couch when I'd rather be checking facebook. It may mean simplifying our schedule during the day and going grocery shopping after they're in bed rather than taking them along (the grocery store is NOT a good place for an emotionally fragile/volatile child!). It definitely means I need to go back to the basics of connecting while correcting - using playful engagement, being aware and in control of my voice and body language, and making sure that physical needs for food, drink, and activity are being met. Doing the right thing and digging out after a meltdown is hard work for my boy, but he needs to know that I haven't abandoned him and that I still love him. He needs reassurance that we're in this together, no matter what. The only way he'll know this is if I'm staying connected to him.

It's hard work. It's most certainly easier said than done! But it's absolutely crucial. And, as Paul points out in 1 Timothy 4:8, the training will pay off. As I persist in my efforts to be a "tightrope walker" I find that my ability to balance improves. I still have to fight the urge to be punitive and dismissing, but as I push past those feelings and take the time to connect, I find that the correction is a little easier too.