Parenting can feel like a battle. Whether it’s chores, homework,
screen time, sibling dynamics, or just ‘the way his face looks’ the potential
for conflict seems never ending. It’s so easy to get frustrated and take an
adversarial stance against our children. Just a few days ago, I was feeling annoyed
that our morning routine was getting derailed. Again. I found myself sighing in
exasperation, rolling my eyes, and generally communicating to my child that he
was the source of my irritation. My adversary. I managed to get them off to
school (just a few minutes late) and I started thinking about what may have
caused the rough morning. I remembered that I had spent a good chunk of the
previous evening with one of the other kids, which likely left the derailer
feeling left out and unloved. I found myself sighing again, in exhaustion this
time, wondering how much longer I could continue to do battle against this
invisible enemy, these voices in my child’s head whispering lies of
unworthiness and impending rejection.
Thinking about our conflict as a spiritual battle got me to
thinking about the armour of God Paul talks about in Ephesians 6. “For shoes,”
he says, “put on the peace that comes from the Good News…” (v. 15). Hmmm…
peace… that’s an interesting thing to take into battle. The more I thought
about it though, the more it made perfect sense. When one of my children is
feeling overcome by fear and shame, they don’t need me as an adversary, they
need me as an ally. They need me to bring peace to help calm the chaos and
confusion and pain in their minds.
Thankfully, I had a chance for a redo that afternoon.
Conflict broke out over the use of Grandpa’s tools. Child A had had a long
turn, and Child B was feeling jealous and left out. Rather than using good
words to ask for a turn, unkind words were used and things got physical. Child
B, likely ashamed by this point, escalated and had to be removed from the
situation. Determined to behave better than I had that morning, I stayed calm and stuck to a
short script. “I’m not mad. You’ll get a turn with the tools. You’re not
allowed to hurt people.” It took a few minutes (and a phone chat with Daddy)
but we got to the point where an apology was given, respectful words were used
to ask for a turn, and we were back on track. Peace won the battle!
Too often I respond to conflict situations with
force. My weapons of choice often include sarcasm and shame. Lately, my ‘Voice
of Authority’ has been a bit too shrill, and much too loud. So, in this season
of ‘Peace on earth and goodwill to all’ I am going to be more intentional about
bringing peace. Small adjustments to my body language and tone of voice bring
great returns in conflict situations. My little people need to know that I’m
there as their ally, not their adversary!