I've always had a secret dream to be a famous Hollywood actress. Other than a few brief moments in the spotlight in church plays and a high school production, however, my acting career never really amounted to much! Maybe my love of theatre is part of why I'm drawn to the idea of scripts as a parenting tool... I get to produce, direct and star in my very own show!!
Seriously, though, I first learned about scripts in the parenting context when reading The Connected Child. The book includes a section with a list of 'Life Value Scripts.' These are positive ways to teach skills to our children that focus on practicing and praising the desired behaviour. Scripts such as "Gentle and kind" and "Show respect" encourage our children onto the right path. One of my favourite scripts when the kids were a bit younger was "Stick together" - an essential skill when venturing out in public with little ones. Come to think of it, we still practice this one whenever we cross a road!
One of my recent favourites is "With permission and supervision." I used this script one day with two of my kiddoes, who had been quiet upstairs for quite some time. Spidey senses tingling, I went to check on them, and found little piles of dog hair in their bedroom. As soon as they saw me, they hid their hands behind their backs and claimed they didn't know anything about it! I continued to gently pursue the truth, and they soon confessed to giving the dogs haircuts. Other than looking ridiculous, no harm had been done to the dogs, so I decided to try and keep things positive. (Besides, the fact that they tried to hide what they had done proved that they already knew they shouldn't have done it. No further teaching was required on that point!) I told them that sometimes I do trim the dogs' hair, but that in the future they would need permission and supervision in order to do it. They seemed relieved as they handed over the scissors and helped pick up the dog hair. The script had helped me to stay positive and focused on the desired behaviour, rather than reacting with negative emotions and an unnecessary lecture. And, because this is a script we use in other situations (lighting candles, handling tools, anything they can dream up that might involve hospitalization or an insurance claim...), I'm confident that they won't cut the dogs' hair without permission again!
Scripts are also beneficial in shaping my behaviour as a parent. We deal with our fair share of meltdowns and extreme behaviour, and many times we have come away from one of these episodes with the realization that our words did not help to de-escalate the situation. I was starting to get very frustrated as I found myself saying the wrong thing over and over in the heat of the moment. Try as I might, I couldn't stem the flow of harsh, punitive words. I kept lecturing and threatening consequences, driving my child further into destructive behaviour rather than offering a way out. My husband and I decided to give ourselves a script to use when one of our kids was out of control. We agreed on the following phrases:
I love you.
You're not in trouble.
Let me help you.
We still often say the wrong thing and make the situation worse. But when we focus on our script, things get resolved a lot sooner.
I recently came across a third way to use scripts in parenting. I've been reading Deborah Gray's book Attaching Through Love, Hugs and Play. At one point, she discusses the importance of entering into interactions with our children with a positive mindset rather than a grouchy and overwhelmed mindset. She shared how she would 're-set' her brain when she was driving home from work so that she wasn't bringing the stress of her job home. She would practice some relaxation techniques, then repeat a simple "mission statement" to herself. This statement focused on who she is and what she's about. A mission statement might remind us of how important our families are to us and what a privilege it is to be a parent. She describes them as "'big picture' descriptions [that] help us put things into perspective and to have more balanced brain patterns." (p. 74) I realized that I need a mission statement because I often enter challenging interactions with my kids feeling distracted, grouchy and overwhelmed. My self-talk in those moments is negative; I think about how unfair everything is, and what a failure I am... Our children pick up on our moods very quickly. If I'm being driven by frustration, resentment and shame, that's what I'll elicit in them. After reading this section in Gray's book, I decided to script my self-talk. Multiple times throughout the day, but especially when I'm starting to stress about certain behaviours or situations with the kids, I say this to myself:
I am deeply loved.
I'm a good mom.
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I have the skills and strength I need to meet every situation with the joyful determination to be emotionally present, and to see the preciousness in my children.
As I speak these truths over myself, I feel fear and shame fade away, and strength and peace return.
Scripts are in no way a quick fix! Rather, they are a long-term discipline. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary offers a few definitions of 'script' but my favourite is "a plan of action." I like that because it acknowledges the link between our words and our behaviour. As we practice speaking words that are positive and focused on the behaviour that we want to see, we will see behaviour changed as a result. So let's be intentional with the words we use with our children (and with ourselves!) because our words have the power to transform our actions.
