I took the kids camping all by myself this summer. Actually,
a friend was there with her kids, and we were at a campsite in a town, but
still…! Any time I tackle something like that without Brian, I’m going to
consider it a major accomplishment! Anyway, the first night was a little rough.
One of the boys was taking a long time to settle down, and I was starting to
panic. I still had a bit of unpacking to do and I was already dreading the
early wake-up I knew I’d have to face the next morning. In an effort to
practice trust-based parenting, I kept asking my son, “What do you need?” Every
time I asked, he would reply, “Exercise!” and start bouncing around. At this
point, my trust-based parenting skills fell apart, because I would then say,
“No, you don’t. You need sleep. Now settle down and close your eyes.” We must have
had this exchange half a dozen times, and both of us were getting frustrated.
Meanwhile, I was also texting Brian, hoping he would have some wisdom and
perspective for me. When I mentioned that our son was claiming to need
exercise, he texted back with, “So why don’t you let him go outside for 5
minutes?” Exasperated, but willing to try anything, I asked if he wanted to
help me unload the cooler contents into the fridge. He jumped at the chance
(literally) and within 10 minutes the work was done. Within another 10 minutes,
he was asleep. Why did I argue with him for so long?!
As part of our Empowered to Connect training, we teach the
importance of meeting our kids’ needs. We discuss how crucial it is to
faithfully meet their needs if we want to build trust, and we encourage parents
to give joyful yeses whenever they can. We highlight the fact that “What do you
need?” is a much more helpful and productive question than “What’s your
problem?” or “What’s wrong with you?” I wonder, though, if we neglect to cultivate
an attitude of true curiosity within ourselves. When I’m asking my children to
tell me what they need, I’m usually pretty sure I already know the answer. At
best, I’ve got a short list of acceptable answers in mind. When their response
doesn’t match my preconceived ideas, I feel suspicious of them. I wonder if
they’re taking the whole thing seriously, and I may even argue with them.
Sometimes, I find myself dismissing their needs because they are actually just
wants, and I want to get down to the true underlying need. But what if my child
doesn’t even know what he really needs in that moment? What if meeting their
expressed needs gives them the freedom and ability to trust me with their
actual needs?
I believe that if we want to build trust and effectively
meet our kids’ needs, we have to honour what they’re telling us. If we approach
the conversation with a dismissive “I know better than you” attitude, they’re
not going to believe that their voice matters, and they’re not going to trust
us to meet their needs. Meeting their
needs teaches them that they have a voice, and that they can trust us.
Jesus models this so well for us! In Luke 18, we read of an
encounter he has with a blind man. The man is shouting as Jesus and his
entourage go by, trying to get the Lord’s attention. People around Jesus are
trying to shush the man, but Jesus insists on speaking with him. When the man
is brought to him, Jesus asks, “What do you want me to do for you?” (Luke 18:41
NLT) I love how Jesus takes the time to give this blind beggar a voice,
approaching his need with gentleness and curiosity. There’s not a hint of
arrogance or presumption. How beautiful! Of course, when the man responds with,
“I want to see!” he is healed. Jesus could have healed him without that bit of dialogue,
but I believe this is an important glimpse into God’s heart – he wants us to
know we can trust him with our needs and desires. He invites us into
relationship by encouraging us to speak our needs: he gives us voice. And when we do trust him and bring our needs to
him, there is no ridicule; we are not dismissed. Instead, we are heard. We are
seen. And we learn to trust.
This is the attitude I want to bring to my conversations
with my children – a genuine curiosity to hear what they have to say, and a
willing heart ready to meet their needs.
