Self-sufficient.
Able to accomplish whatever she sets her mind to.
Strong.
Capable.
It seems like a rather complimentary list of attributes, doesn't it? I'm starting to wonder...
I was never the thinnest, prettiest, or most popular girl, but I always comforted myself with thinking, "At least I'm smart!" I got good marks, excelled in all subjects (except PE), and pretty much based my self-confidence on my brains. I didn't really have to work too hard, and it was easy to get a little arrogant. (My brother might say I was more than a little arrogant, but whatever.) Fast forward to my current season of life: PARENTHOOD. In typical Colleen-style, I have accumulated a great deal of knowledge about parenting. My brain is chock-full of really good stuff. If I didn't actually have to parent real kids, I'm convinced I could be an international expert on the topic. The problem, you see, is that all that fantastic knowledge does not automatically translate into fantastic parenting. I'm rather disappointed - I seem to have misinterpreted some well-intentioned messages from my school years. Turns out that learning is a little bit more than the accumulation of knowledge and the ability to effectively communicate what you have accumulated.
The thing about parenting is that the best information combined with the best intentions are simply no match against ME. Even after learning and practicing and teaching what I believe to be the best information out there for parents of children from hard places (Empowered to Connect), I still screw up daily. Often hourly. I still get tired and
I know, I know, we all have bad days. We all fail - we're human, after all. I should cut myself some slack, right?! Extend a little grace to myself and stop beating myself up for my mistakes. None of us is perfect. I should focus on the things I did well! ... And I do believe we need to be gracious with ourselves, pick ourselves up after we fail, ask for forgiveness from those we've wronged and carry on. But that's not my point. My point is that I don't have what it takes to be the parent I want to be. I'm too self-centered and proud and imperfect. I look at Galatians 5:22,23 and 1 Corinthians 13 and I want to love with that kind of selfless love. I want to be patient and kind and gentle with my kids. But no matter how much I want it and how hard I try, I only get so far. In fact, the harder I try, the quicker I burn out. I find myself feeling trapped, and strategizing about how to get some time to myself, and fantasizing about escaping.
It seems to me that this struggle is a perfect example of the tension between law and grace. The "law" represents the ideal: the parent I want to be, the strategies, attitudes and approaches I try to employ. The law sets a clear standard of excellence. And the law reveals my inadequacies and shortcomings. I find that the more I strive to be self-sufficient and strong, the weaker and less capable I feel. And, as a nasty little side effect, I become more critical and judgmental of others. Desperate to feel better about myself, I look for the ways in which others are failing. The law has no power to transform me.
This is where grace comes in. Grace is a gift from God, reassuring me that neither my greatest accomplishments nor my worst failures affect God's extravagant love for me in any way. Thanks to the grace of God, we are not condemned to perpetual failure and an inability to measure up. He provides a way out. When we surrender to his leadership in our lives and admit our utter dependence on him, he promises his strength. In fact, he promises that his very Spirit will live within us, transforming us from the inside out. This is good news!
The Apostle Paul puts it this way:
So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. ... But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
~Galatians 5:16,17,22,23
So, what does all this mean for my parenting struggles? Well, I'll still have to work at it - Paul's writings in the New Testament are filled with enough marathon and warfare analogies to indicate that I'm expected to play a role. But I'm not meant to go it alone. As I humble myself and admit my need for God, I find strength and power beyond me. As I confess that I don't have what it takes, I find that God is willing to give me what it takes. As I live in the freedom of all God is doing in, for, and through me, I find that I am released from that critical, judgmental spirit and able to extend grace to others.
In light of these realizations, here's my new list:
I am dependent on God.
He is all-sufficient.
I am able to accomplish whatever he calls me to do because of his Spirit living in me.
He is my strength.
He is able.
(And, just to top it off, here's a Steven Curtis Chapman song called "Declaration of Dependence" that pretty much says it all!)
