I've had this post lurking in my brain for a few months now. Hanging out at the edge of consciousness, choosing inopportune moments to attack, guerrilla-style, reminding me that my actions are not reflecting my beliefs. It's a tricky issue, though, so I've been procrastinating. I haven't really wanted to face my own inconsistencies. However, if I'm serious about being intentional with my parenting, and if I believe that our children have unique needs and require a well researched and well thought out approach, then I think it's time to try to unravel it all and see if I can unify some of the voices in my head!
First, allow me to set the scene (one of many I could share):
Everyone is dressed, hair combed, and out the door with a minimal amount of stress (YAY!) but then they get in the van and chaos ensues. They're playing with the lights, and fighting over the remote for the garage door opener, and climbing everywhere but where they're supposed to climb. My default reaction is impatient and irritated, so I pull out the bribes and threats. (I'm such a slow learner sometimes - this never works when they're in fully monkey mode.) I start saying things like, "Hey, let's get into our seats so we can watch a movie!" and "Whoever gets into their seat first gets to close the garage door!" Now I'm 1/3 of the way there... I start to get more annoyed - "I'm going to count to 5 and if everyone's not in their seats there will be NO movie!" This just results in 2 of them ganging up on the lone remaining rebel. Great, even more discord. By the time we finally get going (with no movie) we're all annoyed and upset.
As part of our Empowered to Connect training, we have been challenged to re-think our use of consequences as a discipline strategy with children from hard places. The idea being that it puts us in an adversarial stance against our children, when what we really want is a sense of being on the same team, of advocating for them. When we enforce consequences too readily, particularly those that affect the future in some way, we run the risk of damaging our connection with our child and losing the joy in our relationship. Rather, we are encouraged to pursue an approach that brings full resolution to each situation, then moves on. (Watch Michael Monroe explain this more fully.)
Well. I have no problem agreeing to this concept in theory. But this is not an easy principle to apply. We've been practicing connecting while correcting for quite a few months now, and it is transforming us as parents. But there's still a part of me that wants a quick fix. And when I'm faced with stubborn disobedience, I still find myself resorting to bribes and threats in the hope that using some sort of leverage will get speedier results. And even when the situation is moving toward resolution, I am often tempted to enforce a consequence as a way to punish. I feel an unholy urge to vent my frustration by taking something they value away from them just so I can make my point. I am fighting my way through it all - striving to find a way to love my children unconditionally and sacrificially while correcting, guiding, and teaching them so they can grow to be the people God designed them to be.
So where does this leave me? Should I never use incentives or rewards? Must I abandon all consequences? How on earth am I ever going to get my kids to listen to me?! As always, I must come back to the truth that parenting is a relationship. With any strategy that I use, I must ask myself if it builds trust. Does it result in deeper connection, contentment, and changed behaviour?
Of course, part of guiding, teaching, and correcting will involve recognition and use of consequences. But it must be because that is what's best for my child, not what's easiest for me. It must help us solve the problem both now and in the future. And it must not be motivated by spite or a desire to punish on my part. It should be something that will truly help my child be more successful in the future. Far too often the kids and I arrive at a place where I feel that the only way out is to enforce a consequence - in reality, it is my own impatience and lack of connection with them that has driven us there. I am finding that when I am intentional about engaging playfully, am making an effort to stay connected and attuned to their feelings, and am honestly looking for resolution, I am no longer resorting to consequences out of desperation.
Getting in the van to go somewhere has begun to take a different turn lately. I've been trying out a new strategy or two. As I mentioned in my last post, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and talking through my expectations before we get in the van helps immensely. Since I am forgetful (and often running late) and still find myself trying to coax wild monkeys into carseats at times, I've started saying something along these lines: "I don't want to get stressed with you guys. What can I do to help you get in to your seats more quickly?" The responses have been most interesting. The first time I tried this, Logan said, "Sing a song." Too frustrated to feel like being creative, I asked him what song I should sing. He made up a silly song on the spot, which I repeated, and he promptly hopped into his seat. I know many people would view this interaction as inappropriately democratic - I can almost hear the critique, and I imagine much of it would be related to issues of power, control, and manipulation. In response I can only say that many of my default strategies are manipulative, and I am trying to weed out those tendencies in myself that are less than ideal. I am striving to build a relationship with my children that reflects how God parents us: one in which they trust me to meet their needs, they know that I want what's best for them, and they believe that I am on their side. I am finding that as I more consistently practice staying attuned and connected while correcting, we are all getting better at doing things a little differently. It's certainly no quick fix, but I think it's going to be worth it in the long run.
