Where were you on 9/11?

Every year around this time, I get the inevitable question, "Do you remember where you were on 9/11?" Usually I respond with my physical location, but today it occurred to me that I could answer that question very differently.

10 years ago, I was a hollow shell of myself... Desperate to extricate myself from a co-dependent, unhealthy relationship. Unable to see light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Aware that my actions and my deceit had deeply wounded those who loved me most. Feeling far from God and wondering if my life would ever regain its colour and joy. Certain that my actions had ensured a future of singleness since no one would want someone with this kind of past.

Today, I am being made whole. Firmly rooted in healthy relationships free from secrets. Able to enjoy a life filled with light and colour and joy. Feeling close to God and filled with wonder at the fact that I was given this second chance. Grateful that my past does not define me, or doom me to a miserable present.

This year, when I reflect on the tragic events of September 11, 2001, I will remember those who lost their lives. I will also take time to thank God for the new life He has given me since that day. I will remember where I once was, and give praise to my Creator for lavishing His love and grace on me.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God's grace that you have been saved!)                        ~Ephesians 2:4,5

Matrix Moments

I've been thinking about this blog post for weeks (where has the month of August gone, exactly?!), and I decided to re-read my previous posts to make sure I'm not getting too repetitive! I discovered a definite theme - it seems that we're building up to something big. And I think we're starting to get a bit of clarity as to what that might be!

Clarity is a tricky thing. For years, we've had a burden on our hearts for older children in the foster care system who are waiting for a family of their own. Over the last few months, we've both felt certain that this is something we are still supposed to do. At the same time, we've been meeting with a number of like-minded people. People who feel certain that something needs to be done for these kids so that they can experience the love and security of belonging to a family... We are so incredibly excited to be a part of this!

So where does The Matrix come in? Well, we've noticed that any time we start thinking about doing something big and risky and scary and exciting, there is a force at work enticing us to maintain the status quo. It's as if we've lived in a comfortable, safe reality for most of our lives, and we are starting to want to live with our eyes open to a reality that includes a lot of hurt, heartache, and discomfort. Our safe, comfortable reality is not easily overthrown, however. We are often plagued by self-doubt - whenever I lose my patience with one of the kids I think, "Who am I kidding?! Can I really handle another one?!" We are fighting the temptation to embrace a certain lifestyle - "What about vacations to Disneyland? Pedicures? How much are we going to have to sacrifice?!" Really, we're caught between 2 conflicting worldviews - one that teaches that the best thing we can do for our kids is strive for a certain standard of living. The other teaches that true joy and fulfillment can come only when we stop living solely for ourselves and our own comfort, and start to live with eyes and hearts wide open to a world that desperately needs love and grace and second chances...

The movie analogy has its limitations. In The Matrix, once a character chose to throw off the matrix and live in "reality" that was all they saw. They could make trips back into the world as they once knew it, but they remained committed to living in the true reality. Life for us is more complicated: we have to train our eyes to view the world differently. We have to continue to live in one reality while maintaining our awareness of another reality. Not always easy to do.

Jesus was aware of this tension. In John 17, Jesus prays for his disciples. In fact, he prays for all of us who consider ourselves his followers (verse 20). He acknowledges that his followers "do not belong to this world any more than I do" (verse 16). He prays for unity and love and protection for us as we live a life that shows God's love to the world.

If that's our calling, then bring it on! We'll continue to fight through the self-doubt and the seduction of our culture. We'll embrace opportunities to step into uncomfortable situations if it means that a hurting heart will experience God's love. And we'll strive for continued clarity as we figure out exactly how God is going to use us to make a difference in the lives of kids in our world.