I love the movie “Frozen.” I love the music, and I love that
Kristoff is such an unconventional Prince Charming. Of course, I love Olaf. Who
doesn’t love Olaf?! Most of all, I love Anna’s brave, self-sacrificial love.
When she turns away from Kristoff and steps in front of Elsa to shield her from
the sword of Hans, my heart is stirred. Such selflessness, to choose her
sister’s life over her own! And then, the happy ending: Anna is healed, her
relationship with her sister is restored, and summer returns to the land! An ‘act
of true love’ saved her. It looked very different from the romantic kiss she
envisioned, but the result was healing and restoration, and we celebrate! (And
we graciously watch endless performances of “Let it Go”…!)
I wonder, though, how many of us have become caught up in
‘happily ever after’ thinking when it comes to our parenting. We enter adoption
and foster care for many different reasons but I believe most of us are
motivated by love. We have experienced the joy of being part of a loving
family, and we want to share that love with someone who needs it. So, we
welcome a child from a hard place into our home and we celebrate! Maybe there
is an airport welcome, or a baby shower, or a court date resulting in a judge
signing an adoption order. Perhaps at some point in our journey we learned that
there would be twists and turns, and that we’d need to embrace new ways of
doing things, so we have engaged in a process of unlearning old ways and
learning new ways so that our children will be able to receive our love and
heal. Whatever the particulars of our stories are, I believe it’s easy to
become resentful when our expectations remain unmet. What happens when the celebrations
fade and life as a family remains difficult? How do we manage our
disappointment when we have eagerly applied trust-based parenting techniques
and, despite many gains, our children still display maladaptive behaviours that we thought would
have disappeared by now?
For myself, I want parenting kids from hard places to be
like a movie – in a burst of heroic energy I engage in an act of true love and
my child is healed. Relationships are restored and we celebrate! But the
reality is that healing takes time. The children who come to us through
adoption and foster care will require much, much more than a one-time heroic
act. They will require a sacrificial love that commits to loving them with a
steady faithfulness over time, never giving up.
I love how this is illustrated for us by our Heavenly
Father. When the Israelites are rescued from slavery in Egypt, God doesn’t just
take them straight to the Promised Land, expecting they’ll be able to handle
it. Instead, He guides them through the wilderness for 40 years, meeting their
needs and teaching them about who He is and of His great love for them. He
takes His children, who are from a very hard place, and guides them slowly, with
high degrees of nurture and
structure, until they trust Him and are ready for the task ahead.
And so it is with our children. We may feel as though we are
wandering through a wilderness, waiting in vain for a sighting of the Promised
Land. When we feel tempted to despair because our heroic act of true love
hasn’t achieved the results we were expecting, perhaps we need to adjust our
expectations and remind ourselves that true love is less about grand gestures
than it is about making a hundred small, seemingly unnoticed sacrifices a day.
Responding playfully to a child who is being defiant and
mouthy is an act of true love.
Willingly accompanying a child to get something from the
basement because he’s too afraid to go alone is an act of true love.
Wrapping a child in a warm embrace moments after she’s said
and done hurtful things is an act of true love.
Looking past the meltdown to meet a child’s sensory needs in
a crowded public place is an act of true love.
Setting aside your own agenda to meet a child halfway when
he’s asked for a compromise is an act of true love.
Choosing to spend one-on-one time with a child when you feel
she least deserves it is an act of true love.
True love, it turns out, will persevere even when the short-term
results seem discouraging. I will still watch and enjoy movies with neat, tidy,
happy endings, because they’re a lot of fun! But I will examine my motives and
expectations on a regular basis, especially when I start to feel disappointed
and resentful, and remind myself that we are in this for the long haul. As we
remind parents in ETC Parent Training, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint!
And it is helpful to ground ourselves often in the words of Paul in 1
Corinthians 13:4-7:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT, emphasis mine)
