One of the things I love about the Empowered to Connect approach to parenting is the practice of giving my children the opportunity to "re-do" whatever it is they've done wrong. Rather than punish the wrong behaviour, we try to give the kids a chance to do it right so we can reinforce the correct behaviour and build muscle memory for that behaviour. It's a great strategy for ending discipline on a positive note, and for staying connected with my child throughout the correction. Or that's how it's supposed to work...
Truthfully? It's exhausting. It takes forever, and requires significantly more patience and perseverance than I possess. In a house with 3 pre-schoolers, most misbehaviour involves more than one child, so in addition to dealing with at least 1 perpetrator, I also need to soothe at least 1 victim. By the time everyone is calm (including me) and the various tales of woe have been heard, we then have to reconstruct the scene of the crime and walk everyone through a re-do. For the most part, they've all been willing participants! I generally give them their scripts and we perform our re-do and everyone goes back to playing and getting along. (For the moment.) The biggest deterrent to a successful re-do is me. I start out with good intentions, and the first few hours of the day go so smoothly I'm ready to call Michael and Amy Monroe and tell them to get a camera crew up here - surely they could use my example in their next teaching dvd! Then, sometime after the 3rd or 4th nuclear meltdown of the morning, and after I've unsuccessfully attempted to tidy up the toy room, wash some dishes, and do a load of laundry, I lose my motivation. I start to get frustrated because my day is not proceeding as I had expected. I am not crossing tasks off my to-do list. Brian is going to come home and there will be no discernible improvement to the chaotic condition of our home. And could we please go fifteen minutes without someone crying?!?!
Well, despite my frustration, the re-do routine is making baby steps towards becoming established. I'm becoming more accepting of unproductive days, reminding myself that the kids will suffer more from chronic anger and frustration than they will from chronic messiness. And I know that an intentional focus on maintaining a strong connection with my children will pay off in the long run.
A few weeks ago, however, my resolve was tested. Connecting while correcting is one thing at home; being out in public takes things to a whole new level! It was a Tuesday afternoon, and we had been at church for the whole morning. I had attended the ladies' Bible study while the kids were in their classes, and we were doing our usual walkabout after lunch. Being at church gives us lots of practice at "Sticking Together" - it's a great big, wide open space that practically begs kids to explore at high speed. Logan had already received a few reminders to stay close when he suddenly took off (followed by his sister, of course!). He wasn't exactly running away, he was just enjoying the freedom of running as far and as fast as he could. I knew I'd have to deal with him, but I wasn't too concerned - I figured he'd turn around eventually and I knew that he's familiar enough with the building to not get himself lost. Kolbie, however, was not as confident. He started wailing - a loud, frightened wail that bounced around that great big, wide open space... I grabbed his hand and started to move as quickly as I could without running myself. (I didn't want to spook Logan or give him the impression that it was a game of chase!) When they finally stopped and I caught up to them, I was annoyed, embarrassed, and generally frazzled. My first instinct was to scoop everyone up while speaking tensely at them through clenched teeth and get in the van and go home. Then it popped into my head that I should probably stay calm and do a re-do. I found myself at a fork in the road: follow my instincts and deal with the guilt and regret I'd feel for taking my embarrassment out on my kids, or do the right thing and forget about what other people might be thinking and walk the kids through a re-do?
Thankfully, I chose the re-do! I explained that running that far ahead was not okay, and that we were going to go back to where they'd started to take off and practice sticking together. They all agreed, Kolbie calmed down, and the re-do was fairly successful. From an outside perspective, it probably looked like Logan got away with misbehaving. From my perspective, it was a win-win. The behaviour was corrected, our connection was maintained, and we all got into the van content and at peace with each other. Experiences like this encourage me to keep going. On days when it seems like it would be so much easier if I could just inflict a prompt, painful punishment I remember that we all do better when I can stay calm and give them a second chance (or a 52nd chance, depending on the day!).
My resolve is also strengthened by the example of Jesus in John 21, where He leads Simon Peter through a re-do of sorts. On the night Jesus was crucified, Peter had denied his relationship with Jesus three times while standing beside a charcoal fire (John 18:17-18, 25-27). After His resurrection, Jesus appears to Peter and some of the other disciples. They are out fishing and Jesus builds a charcoal fire on the beach so they can have a fish fry.
After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?""Yes, Lord," Peter replied, "you know I love you."
"Then feed my lambs," Jesus told him.
Jesus repeated the question: "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter said, "you know I love you."
"Then take care of my sheep," Jesus said.
A third time he asked him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep."
~John 21:15-17 (NLT)
I love this! I love that Jesus restores Peter to relationship with Himself by giving him a chance to acknowledge his love for Jesus three times - one for every denial. I love that Jesus doesn't shame or belittle him for his weakness. And I love the trust that Peter demonstrates when he says, "You know that I love you." Clearly, he felt fully known and fully loved by Jesus. (Dr. Karyn Purvis, 2010, p. 42)
So I will persevere. I will remember that I have been given many second chances. And I will let the love of Jesus shine through me to my kids.
Dr. Karyn Purvis, with Michael & Amy Monroe (2010). Created to Connect. Empowered to Connect.
I read the book a few years ago and purchased the workbook at this years conference. Great resource. Thanks for sharing with us!
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