Where were you on 9/11?

Every year around this time, I get the inevitable question, "Do you remember where you were on 9/11?" Usually I respond with my physical location, but today it occurred to me that I could answer that question very differently.

10 years ago, I was a hollow shell of myself... Desperate to extricate myself from a co-dependent, unhealthy relationship. Unable to see light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Aware that my actions and my deceit had deeply wounded those who loved me most. Feeling far from God and wondering if my life would ever regain its colour and joy. Certain that my actions had ensured a future of singleness since no one would want someone with this kind of past.

Today, I am being made whole. Firmly rooted in healthy relationships free from secrets. Able to enjoy a life filled with light and colour and joy. Feeling close to God and filled with wonder at the fact that I was given this second chance. Grateful that my past does not define me, or doom me to a miserable present.

This year, when I reflect on the tragic events of September 11, 2001, I will remember those who lost their lives. I will also take time to thank God for the new life He has given me since that day. I will remember where I once was, and give praise to my Creator for lavishing His love and grace on me.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God's grace that you have been saved!)                        ~Ephesians 2:4,5

Matrix Moments

I've been thinking about this blog post for weeks (where has the month of August gone, exactly?!), and I decided to re-read my previous posts to make sure I'm not getting too repetitive! I discovered a definite theme - it seems that we're building up to something big. And I think we're starting to get a bit of clarity as to what that might be!

Clarity is a tricky thing. For years, we've had a burden on our hearts for older children in the foster care system who are waiting for a family of their own. Over the last few months, we've both felt certain that this is something we are still supposed to do. At the same time, we've been meeting with a number of like-minded people. People who feel certain that something needs to be done for these kids so that they can experience the love and security of belonging to a family... We are so incredibly excited to be a part of this!

So where does The Matrix come in? Well, we've noticed that any time we start thinking about doing something big and risky and scary and exciting, there is a force at work enticing us to maintain the status quo. It's as if we've lived in a comfortable, safe reality for most of our lives, and we are starting to want to live with our eyes open to a reality that includes a lot of hurt, heartache, and discomfort. Our safe, comfortable reality is not easily overthrown, however. We are often plagued by self-doubt - whenever I lose my patience with one of the kids I think, "Who am I kidding?! Can I really handle another one?!" We are fighting the temptation to embrace a certain lifestyle - "What about vacations to Disneyland? Pedicures? How much are we going to have to sacrifice?!" Really, we're caught between 2 conflicting worldviews - one that teaches that the best thing we can do for our kids is strive for a certain standard of living. The other teaches that true joy and fulfillment can come only when we stop living solely for ourselves and our own comfort, and start to live with eyes and hearts wide open to a world that desperately needs love and grace and second chances...

The movie analogy has its limitations. In The Matrix, once a character chose to throw off the matrix and live in "reality" that was all they saw. They could make trips back into the world as they once knew it, but they remained committed to living in the true reality. Life for us is more complicated: we have to train our eyes to view the world differently. We have to continue to live in one reality while maintaining our awareness of another reality. Not always easy to do.

Jesus was aware of this tension. In John 17, Jesus prays for his disciples. In fact, he prays for all of us who consider ourselves his followers (verse 20). He acknowledges that his followers "do not belong to this world any more than I do" (verse 16). He prays for unity and love and protection for us as we live a life that shows God's love to the world.

If that's our calling, then bring it on! We'll continue to fight through the self-doubt and the seduction of our culture. We'll embrace opportunities to step into uncomfortable situations if it means that a hurting heart will experience God's love. And we'll strive for continued clarity as we figure out exactly how God is going to use us to make a difference in the lives of kids in our world.

Me do it!

I waste a lot of time trying to do things for my two year old. I'm usually in a hurry and since she's only 2 it takes her longer to do things than I'd like so I try to do them for her. Inevitably, I end up standing there waiting while she re-does whatever I just tried to do for her. And the whole time she's shaking her finger at me and lecturing me: "Me do it next time, Mommy. Me do it!" Sometimes I remember to let her try it on her own and step in only when she asks for help, but since I'm still working on the whole patience thing, often I try to help her along. I'm trying to teach her that it's okay to let people do things for you once in a while, that sometimes you're not tall enough or strong enough or quick enough and it's okay to admit it.

Last night Brian and I were watching this documentary about a paraplegic climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. He reminded me of Rylie because he was absolutely determined to do it all on his own. In fact, he almost gave up when he reached a rock field because there was no way he could get over it unless he was carried, and this would have meant that he had failed to achieve his goal. Thankfully he recognized that being carried does not mean you've failed, it merely means that you're human, and every now and then we all come across a stretch that we simply cannot navigate on our own.

I think most of us like to be seen as competent, self-sufficient individuals. I know I do! I've often thought that my plunge into motherhood was exactly what I needed to expose my limitations and force me to rely on God for the strength, patience, wisdom and love I need to get through each day. People often wonder how we managed so many kids so quickly. As much as I'd like to pretend that I'm superhuman, I have to acknowledge that God carries us. A lot! And I believe that being carried by the all powerful God of the universe beats trying to do it all on my own. Why struggle to maintain the self-sufficient facade when God is waiting, with unlimited power, for me to ask for whatever I need?

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Embracing Discomfort

I finally got the wading pool out for the kids yesterday. They were so happy! Feeling fairly self-satisfied, I pulled up a chair and prepared to relax and watch them have fun. I use the term "relax" quite loosely, of course. I did get out of my chair to break up the occasional squabble, make lunch, get towels, put Rylie down for her nap, and run in and out of the house on innumerable errands. All things considered, though, I was doing a fair bit of sitting. It didn't take long for Kolbie to want more than my passive participation. He started by asking, "You coming in pool too, Mommy?" I explained that since I didn't have a swimsuit on, I wouldn't. This satisfied him for a while, but then he started making comments about how much fun he was having, and how I should try it too. Apparently kids don't have an understanding of spectator sports. Before I could formulate a decent excuse, he was pleading, "Come in the pool, Mommy, please please please?!" It occurred to me that one doesn't really require a swimsuit to step into a kids' wading pool, and that I could probably suck it up and walk around in there for a while. I started to take off my flip flops and commented that they should make room - 3 kids and an assortment of buckets and shovels can fill up a wading pool. Kolbie immediately began shoving toys out of the way. At this point, I was starting to feel a little humbled. Then he noticed that I was hesitating and started to brush all the bits of grass in the water out of my way as well. Feeling more than humbled, I stepped in and walked around a bit.

I've realized that I often decline (or grudgingly accept) these types of invitations from the kids because I'm unwilling to experience discomfort. And yet, I firmly believe that God's best plans for us involve a whole lot of discomfort at times. If we're serious about experiencing the grand adventures God has in mind for us, then we'll have to do more than dip our toes into a wading pool. We might just have to throw ourselves bravely into a raging river. So if I can't even splash around with the kids for a few minutes, how am I going to handle real discomfort when it comes my way? If, as Pastor Scott likes to say, every decision determines our destiny, then I need to take advantage of these opportunities to embrace discomfort.

Lately, Brian and I have been feeling a stirring in our hearts, as though God is calling us to be a part of something really big. Something totally beyond ourselves and out of our comfort zones. We're quite excited and more than a little apprehensive! We don't know yet exactly what it will be, but we want to be ready when that clarity comes. And I have a feeling that part of my preparation involves setting aside my desire for comfort and jumping into murky water once in a while. It's time to "live a life worthy of the calling I have received"! (Ephesians 4:1)

A Potty Training Analogy

Much of the last 18 months has been spent potty training our 3 kids. While I do feel fairly experienced at potty training, I do not feel like an expert! Because the kids are so close in age, the youngest 2 trained despite my best efforts - they mostly learned from each other. (In other words, don't ask me for advice... it's been a bit of a whirlwind and I honestly have a hard time explaining how it all happened!)

Early on, I was struck by the observation that I am not that much different than a potty training toddler at times. This observation was sparked when I caught myself thinking things like, "They know what to do, so why don't they do it?!" and "It's so frustrating - why don't they realize how much more freedom they'll have this way and how much better life will be for them??" I realized that the same could often be said of me. So often I know what I should be doing but I don't do it. I know that I need to exercise more, eat less junk food and more fruits and vegetables, and go to bed earlier. I know that I should procrastinate less and keep my stuff more organized. The list could go on and on, which is tempting because I do like making lists... part of the procrastination thing, I guess! Last week, while I was going through stuff for the garage sale, I came across a journal entry from 2003. I had written about the conviction that I needed to spend quiet time with God every day. I wrote about the need for a distinction to be made between physical rest and spiritual rest, and how even if I got adequate sleep at night I would still feel exhausted if I wasn't replenishing my spirit. I read this journal entry and had to shake my head at myself. Eight years later and I'm still working on this one! It is only in recent months that I have finally started getting up early to spend time with God, and this is only because I was desperate - I found myself in the midst of a very busy season and knew I would not be able to cope unless I took drastic measures. It has made an incredible difference in how I've been handling things, so why does it take so long to figure stuff like this out? Why is it that we so often have to get to the end of ourselves before the necessary changes are made?!

I am reassured to know that I'm in good company on this one. In Romans 7:15, 18 and 19, Paul writes, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do... I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing." I'm so glad I'm not the only one! But why do so many of us struggle with this stuff? I think part of the reason is that if it was easy to be perfect, we'd be consumed with pride and arrogance (and, therefore, far from perfect...). I think that once we realize we can't do it on our own we are in the right spot for God's power to be unleashed, and that's the only way true and lasting change will happen. For me, willpower and determination only last for so long. It is only when I acknowledge my dependence on God's power that I see results.

So, here's hoping I have learned my lesson and stop being content to live anything less than the abundant life to which I've been called. And when I do forget to be a big girl, I will remember that God has everything I need to help me grow up and do what needs to be done!

Waving the White Flag

Our parenthood journey has involved a fair bit of uncertainty. The adoption application process seemed unending at times, and had no set timeline. Even after we were approved as adoptive applicants, we still had to wait for a match. Then there was the legal risk aspect to our kids' adoptions, meaning that we had no guarantees they'd be able to stay with us after they'd been placed in our home. I have never been a big fan of anything open-ended, vague, or uncertain, so this has been a stretch for me. Many times I have been tempted to (and/or guilty of!) taking matters into my own hands in order to bring stability and certainty back into my life. My favourite example of this is when Brian jokes that even though his hands are on the wheel, I'm actually driving the van. :)

During the time we were waiting for our home study to be completed and a match to be made, I was reminded often of the story of Sarah, a kindred spirit. (See Genesis 16 and surrounding chapters.) She knew that God had promised her husband a son, but she grew tired of waiting. In my mind, this is very understandable. She was well past her child-bearing years and I totally get how she could find herself in a place where she'd want to try something drastic. So, since there was a custom which involved using a maidservant as a surrogate mother, that's what she did. And it resulted in a good deal of trouble and heartache. God used this story to remind me to wait for His timing since taking things into my own hands might end badly.

Lately, I've been dealing with uncertainty again. Fear has given birth to a desire to take control, and I'm being forced to trust God's plan and timing. I am being reminded that many (okay, MOST) things in life are not in my control. And when I remember to surrender my worries about the future to Him, I am filled with peace and calm.

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" 
Mark 4:37-40

The One who commands the wind and the waves and has proven faithful time after time will calm the storm in my heart as I put my trust in Him.

Monkey Bars

Sometimes I am so proud of my kids, my heart swells with love and joy. I'm not talking about those self-centered proud moments, like those rare times when they're all holding hands and walking nicely across a parking lot and all I can think about is how competent I must seem as a mother... (These proud moments fade quickly when I catch myself, less than a half hour later, shouting across the yard for the 3rd time in 2 minutes, "Logan, if you throw sand one more time we're going inside!") No, I'm talking about the pride that comes from seeing them accomplish something they didn't think they could do. I feel this pride when I watch them perform daring physical feats on playground equipment.

As I've mentioned before, Kolbie has a fairly cautious personality. At the same time, he is quite competitive, so he often finds himself in a bit of a dilemma when we play at parks. He sees other kids doing all sorts of brave and exciting things, but when he tries them himself, he ends up chickening out and calling me to come rescue him. At least, that's what he used to do. Lately, he's been impressing my socks off. My favourite example is the curved ladder that starts off vertical and ends up horizontal. A few weeks ago, he would start up the ladder, get to the point where it became horizontal, and freeze, practically trembling in fear. At first, I would pluck him off but then I figured he needed to man up, so I changed my strategy. I would stand beside him and coach him up or down, but I wouldn't take him off. After at least a dozen false starts and slow backward descents, he started to get the hang of it. Pretty soon, I didn't even have to stand beside him! The funniest thing was how quickly he transformed from trembling fear to towering self-confidence. The first time he did it totally by himself, he turned to me and said, "I'm so good at this, Mommy!" Of course, I had to agree with him! Yesterday, he did it in flip flops.

I think what makes me so happy in these situations is watching him persevere through his fear. I know he feels afraid when he gets too high and starts to feel a little unsteady on his feet - I can see it in his eyes. What I love is that he tries it anyway. And when he succeeds, he does this funny little hoppy run that tells me he's feeling pretty darn good about the whole situation. So, I've been thinking a lot about fear. Have I ever let fear stop me from trying something? Definitely. I've also taken some pretty big risks and felt like a kid at the top of the play structure - full of the joy of being alive.

What I've learned from my monkey bar experiences with Kolbie is that I really do want the kids to take risks. I want them to feel confident enough to at least try things even though they seem really scary. I believe that if we're going to be a part of something truly great in this life, we'll have to take a risk or two. While my kids' safety is important to me, and I do shut down a ridiculous stunt now and then, I certainly do not encourage them to merely sit and observe other children at play when we go to a park. I want them to experience it! And I think God wants the same for us. Unless we step outside of our comfort zone once in a while, we'll never know the exhilaration of being a part of something beyond ourselves. And I believe God is right there with us, promising to pick us up if we fall, bind our wounds if we get hurt, and celebrate with great joy when we reach the top.

I love the story of Peter walking on water (Matthew 14:22-32). I love the fact that Peter became afraid after he was already doing it! So often I forget how great God is, and that His power has already accomplished such amazing things in my life, and I start to sink in a sea of discouragement and fear. As Jesus did with Peter, He will save us from our own lack of faith when we cry out to Him. The more often I step out onto that water, the more my trust in God's power grows, and the more excited I am to experience the exhilaration that comes from being a part of His great adventure.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 

2 Timothy 1:7