Waving the White Flag

Our parenthood journey has involved a fair bit of uncertainty. The adoption application process seemed unending at times, and had no set timeline. Even after we were approved as adoptive applicants, we still had to wait for a match. Then there was the legal risk aspect to our kids' adoptions, meaning that we had no guarantees they'd be able to stay with us after they'd been placed in our home. I have never been a big fan of anything open-ended, vague, or uncertain, so this has been a stretch for me. Many times I have been tempted to (and/or guilty of!) taking matters into my own hands in order to bring stability and certainty back into my life. My favourite example of this is when Brian jokes that even though his hands are on the wheel, I'm actually driving the van. :)

During the time we were waiting for our home study to be completed and a match to be made, I was reminded often of the story of Sarah, a kindred spirit. (See Genesis 16 and surrounding chapters.) She knew that God had promised her husband a son, but she grew tired of waiting. In my mind, this is very understandable. She was well past her child-bearing years and I totally get how she could find herself in a place where she'd want to try something drastic. So, since there was a custom which involved using a maidservant as a surrogate mother, that's what she did. And it resulted in a good deal of trouble and heartache. God used this story to remind me to wait for His timing since taking things into my own hands might end badly.

Lately, I've been dealing with uncertainty again. Fear has given birth to a desire to take control, and I'm being forced to trust God's plan and timing. I am being reminded that many (okay, MOST) things in life are not in my control. And when I remember to surrender my worries about the future to Him, I am filled with peace and calm.

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" 
Mark 4:37-40

The One who commands the wind and the waves and has proven faithful time after time will calm the storm in my heart as I put my trust in Him.

Monkey Bars

Sometimes I am so proud of my kids, my heart swells with love and joy. I'm not talking about those self-centered proud moments, like those rare times when they're all holding hands and walking nicely across a parking lot and all I can think about is how competent I must seem as a mother... (These proud moments fade quickly when I catch myself, less than a half hour later, shouting across the yard for the 3rd time in 2 minutes, "Logan, if you throw sand one more time we're going inside!") No, I'm talking about the pride that comes from seeing them accomplish something they didn't think they could do. I feel this pride when I watch them perform daring physical feats on playground equipment.

As I've mentioned before, Kolbie has a fairly cautious personality. At the same time, he is quite competitive, so he often finds himself in a bit of a dilemma when we play at parks. He sees other kids doing all sorts of brave and exciting things, but when he tries them himself, he ends up chickening out and calling me to come rescue him. At least, that's what he used to do. Lately, he's been impressing my socks off. My favourite example is the curved ladder that starts off vertical and ends up horizontal. A few weeks ago, he would start up the ladder, get to the point where it became horizontal, and freeze, practically trembling in fear. At first, I would pluck him off but then I figured he needed to man up, so I changed my strategy. I would stand beside him and coach him up or down, but I wouldn't take him off. After at least a dozen false starts and slow backward descents, he started to get the hang of it. Pretty soon, I didn't even have to stand beside him! The funniest thing was how quickly he transformed from trembling fear to towering self-confidence. The first time he did it totally by himself, he turned to me and said, "I'm so good at this, Mommy!" Of course, I had to agree with him! Yesterday, he did it in flip flops.

I think what makes me so happy in these situations is watching him persevere through his fear. I know he feels afraid when he gets too high and starts to feel a little unsteady on his feet - I can see it in his eyes. What I love is that he tries it anyway. And when he succeeds, he does this funny little hoppy run that tells me he's feeling pretty darn good about the whole situation. So, I've been thinking a lot about fear. Have I ever let fear stop me from trying something? Definitely. I've also taken some pretty big risks and felt like a kid at the top of the play structure - full of the joy of being alive.

What I've learned from my monkey bar experiences with Kolbie is that I really do want the kids to take risks. I want them to feel confident enough to at least try things even though they seem really scary. I believe that if we're going to be a part of something truly great in this life, we'll have to take a risk or two. While my kids' safety is important to me, and I do shut down a ridiculous stunt now and then, I certainly do not encourage them to merely sit and observe other children at play when we go to a park. I want them to experience it! And I think God wants the same for us. Unless we step outside of our comfort zone once in a while, we'll never know the exhilaration of being a part of something beyond ourselves. And I believe God is right there with us, promising to pick us up if we fall, bind our wounds if we get hurt, and celebrate with great joy when we reach the top.

I love the story of Peter walking on water (Matthew 14:22-32). I love the fact that Peter became afraid after he was already doing it! So often I forget how great God is, and that His power has already accomplished such amazing things in my life, and I start to sink in a sea of discouragement and fear. As Jesus did with Peter, He will save us from our own lack of faith when we cry out to Him. The more often I step out onto that water, the more my trust in God's power grows, and the more excited I am to experience the exhilaration that comes from being a part of His great adventure.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 

2 Timothy 1:7

Adoption: So much more than 'Plan B'

I've written briefly about our adoption journey before, but thought it might be insightful to give a bit more background. Adoption has always been something I've wanted to do. Well, ever since reading Anne of Green Gables, and watching Annie, and seeing a documentary on the plight of orphans in Romania... In fact, I was quite convinced that my parents should adopt a Romanian orphan, but apparently they didn't feel as sure as I did!! The conviction that adoption is a good thing to do remained with me as an adult. When I met Brian and our relationship turned to talk of marriage and kids, I was quite excited to find that his thoughts on adoption were similar to mine. We agreed that even if we were able to conceive children genetically related to us, we would still look into adoption. I'm telling you, if I hadn't already been smitten with him, this would have pushed me right over the edge!! As it turned out, pregnancy did not look likely for us, so we immediately began exploring our options. Again, we were both on the same page as we looked at the various types of adoption. International and private adoptions did not seem financially feasible, and we both felt that domestic government adoptions were, for the most part, often overlooked. The more we looked into it, the more we felt that we were being called to make a difference in the life of a child currently in foster care and desperate for a forever family.

Before I go any further, please let me clarify: I do not think that everyone should adopt, and I do not think that all infertile couples should abandon medical solutions in favour of adoption. It's not for everyone! It's messy and complicated and often tragic. All I'm saying is that we felt an undeniable call from God to go down this road. We are absolutely convinced that this is what we were meant to do.

This brings me to my main point. For us, adoption has become so much more than a solution for infertility and a way to build our family. As my mom pointed out, isn't that a somewhat selfish way to look at it?! When we went through our pre-adoption training with Child & Family Services, they reminded us often that the children are their primary clients. They are in the business of finding the right family for each child, and not the other way around. Brian and I were convinced that, with God's help, we could provide the love and security these children were so desperately looking for.

And that brings me to my next point. We are not any more special or talented than any other parents out there. A lot of people "ooh" and "ah" over how close our kids are in age, how quickly our family grew, and how busy we must be. They say things like, "I don't know how you do it! I could never do that!" I know these comments are meant as compliments, but I firmly believe that no one knows what they can do until they step up and try something a little bit beyond themselves. If we have been a part of something great, we have to give all the credit to God. All we did was obey His call on our lives. And trust me, even this obedience was tainted with impure motives at times. Did I start out on this journey looking for a way to fulfill my dreams of being a mother? Absolutely. Was I attracted by the relative speed and low cost associated with government adoptions? Yes. But God is faithful, and He has blessed our obedience despite our many weaknesses and imperfections.

The spiritual significance of adoption is the other piece that makes us so passionate about it. As children of God, we have been adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:4-6). In the Old Testament, you had to be a part of the nation of Israel in order to be considered a child of God. Now, in His great mercy and grace and through the work of Jesus Christ on the cross, anyone can become a child of God. And the Scriptures make it abundantly clear that there is no difference between any of us (Galatians 3:26-29). We share the same inheritance, and have the same status before God. Our spiritual adoption into God's family makes us even more excited about adopting children into our earthly family. We feel so blessed to be able to be a part of His work in the world and reflect His heart towards children who don't have the security of a permanent family.

Well, I think I've said most of what I wanted to say. (Brian would like to warn you that, with me, there's always more!) Hopefully this has helped you understand our journey a bit better. For us, adoption has become more than just 'Plan B', or second best, and we do not harbour any secret desires to have children genetically related to us. We can't imagine our family any other way! And we are so thrilled that God has called us to do some of the good that needs doing in our world.

Helicopter Parenting

I like predictability. I am also a big fan of structure, routine, and met expectations. I truly enjoy making to-do lists and checking off each task as I complete it. If I knew my husband wouldn't injure himself laughing at me, I'd probably even put things like "get out of bed" and "drink coffee" on my list - just to give myself a few more things to check off! I feel a deep sense of satisfaction when everything goes according to my plan... As my motherhood journey enters its fourth year, I am realizing more and more just how much I like to be in control.

When my kids were babies (and they were pretty much all babies at the same time), this was all good. Bedtimes, naptimes, eating times, pooping times - I was on top of it all. Not that I felt in control of it all the time, but I was there for it all. I knew what to feed them, when to feed them, when to put them to bed and when to change their diapers. And they couldn't really do too much about it - I was in control of every aspect of their little lives and, looking back, I think I liked that. They're not nearly so predictable and easy to manage now. And I have to fight the urge to hang on to my need to know everything about them at every moment in time.

While I have been aware of how easily I could become a helicopter mom (ie. always hovering) for some time, it all came to a head this past weekend. We were in Saskatoon to celebrate Easter with Brian's family, and I had been looking forward to the big family gathering with some anxiety. I felt that I simply could not be expected to let the kids play without being checked on for longer than a few minutes at a time, and this had been a source of conflict between me and Brian since Christmas. He felt that my inability to relax was hurting me and my relationships with others. We had discussed it a few times, but had not reached a consensus by the time we left on our trip. After much openness, a great deal of patience, and a wee bit of irrational logic, we had agreed on a plan by the time we arrived: I would do my best to relax, trusting the older cousins and our kids' lungs to alert me to trouble, and Brian would make an extra effort to check on the kids a little more frequently than he thought was absolutely necessary.

I'm happy to say, it worked like a charm! The kids had a blast running around with their cousins, no one got seriously hurt, and no property was damaged (as far as I know). I was even able to enjoy a game of Wizard - as much as one can enjoy a game one doesn't win...! And I learned a lot about myself through my discussion with Brian. Turns out I was motivated more by my own insecurity and need to be seen as a competent mother than by a reasonable concern for their safety. I'm certainly not cured of my desire to be in complete control; I think this whole process of letting go and deciding when they can handle a bit more freedom and independence will always be difficult. I think it will require a lot of wisdom and discernment, and more than a little prayer. I think I'll always be tempted to hover. But I've learned a couple of important lessons - one being that Brian is sometimes right!! The other - my babies can't soar if Mommy's blocking their airspace.

Sacrifices

Making sacrifices is something I've thought a lot about since becoming a mom. Our family grew quickly - we went from 2 to 5 in less than a year. The sacrifices were immediate and life-changing! Sleep was one of the first things to go, along with free time and spontaneity. Initially, we made these sacrifices willingly and with great joy. We were so very excited to welcome these beautiful babies into our home! Over time, however, I've noticed a tendency to let self-pity and resentment creep in. I have found myself easily frustrated when my plans are sabotaged and my "needs" go unmet. I remember being forced to abandon my attempts to do yoga one afternoon when Kolbie started throwing the foam bricks at me. It's pretty funny when I think about it now, but at the time I narrowly avoided bursting into tears. I felt overwhelmed but really, what a small sacrifice I was making!

With Easter weekend approaching, I've been thinking about the sacrifices Jesus made for us. I've been reminded that we are called to live and love as He did. In Philippians 2:5-11, Paul writes

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

This certainly helps bring those little, daily sacrifices into perspective. I am called to have the same attitude as Jesus - an attitude of humility and servanthood. Motherhood provides daily opportunities to put the needs of others first! Instead of viewing these sacrifices as necessary aggravations that must be endured if I want to be a mom, I can view them as ways to fulfill my spiritual calling - a life of decreasing selfishness and increasing love. Suddenly I feel inspired - I want to do more than survive the pre-school years... I want to be the best person I can be. I want to emerge more like Christ, and less like the selfish little girl who felt like crying when her yoga plans fell apart!

This Easter weekend, I want to reflect on Christ's great love for me, and renew my determination to live out that love. I want to reclaim motherhood as a high calling, made noble and sacred as we identify ourselves with Christ through our sacrificial living.

Love and Bad Behaviour

When I started writing this post, I thought it was going to be a warm and fuzzy offering about how kids need to feel secure and loved so that they can face their world with confidence. I was going to draw an analogy to my own journey towards security and confidence, and how it all hinges on my soul-deep belief in God's unfailing love for me. Doesn't that sound nice?! Apparently, this was not to be the topic of today's post.

The boys started fighting with each other as soon as they woke up this morning. It seemed that every time I tried to get something done in a different room, the brawl continued as if there had never been a lull. Then I decided to get tough with Rylie - due in no small part to my frustration with the boys, I'm sure! First, I decided that today was a good day to start cutting back on her soother use... again. As if that wasn't enough, I threw in a little potty training - in the form of big girl underwear. She did all right for a while, and then, while I was confiscating the boys' Thomas trains because of the constant fighting, she puddled on the floor and started splashing in it with her hands. After all the necessary cleaning and unnecessary yelling were done, I started thinking about how I don't feel very loving towards my kids when they're behaving poorly. And really, that's when I need to work hardest at communicating my love, because there's nothing like the knowledge of your own shortcomings to cause you to feel insecure about how others feel about you. At least I'm assuming it works the same for the kids as it does for me. :) I want them to know that, no matter what, I'll always love them.

So how do I accomplish that on days like today? How do I discipline the behaviour while communicating my love for the person? How do I willingly, instead of grudgingly, give that post-time-out hug?? I can practice relaxation techniques and anger management strategies. I can reflect on my disasters and modify the way I do things next time. I can remind myself that love is so much more than an emotion and reaffirm my commitment to my kids by practicing more loving actions and words even when I'm not feeling loving. Ultimately though, I think it comes back to my initial thought - I need to be so rooted in God's love that I can't help but react in more mature and loving ways when those around me are behaving badly. After all, God never leaves us hanging, not matter how badly we've behaved. I only have to think of examples from the Bible such as King David and Paul to realize that God models a love that can't be snuffed out.

This morning, I came across the following verse, found in Zephaniah 3:17:

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

How I long for my kids to know that kind of love! To know that they are delighted in and rejoiced over... Come to think of it, I long to know that kind of love, too. I'm so glad I know a God who offers to love me no matter what. As the awareness of this love continues to dawn in my soul, I pray that it will radiate its warmth to those around me.

 

Unexpected Gifts

As a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. I certainly had career ideas, but they were just things I could dabble in until Plan A was realized! Unfortunately, I made some poor choices in my twenties, and found myself in a very dark place - unsure how I would ever find my way to light, and quite certain that I would never be married or have children. I had no idea what God had in store for me! During this time, I found Joel 2:25, where God makes the following promise: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." Hardly daring to believe that this could be true for me, I continued to pray for a family of my own. After rescuing me and setting me on the path to restoration, God blessed me with a terrific husband and 3 beautiful adopted children. Already, this was far more than I had any reason to expect!

What has taken me completely by surprise, however, are the little touches of grace He has woven into our kids' personalities. As an adoptive mom, there are certain things I know I will never experience. I will never know what it's like to carry a child in my womb, and I have come to terms with this. I will never be able to gaze at my babies' faces and see features they inherited from Brian or myself. Again, not something that bothers me, just something that pops up once in a while. So, when I started observing personality traits that seemed eerily familiar, I was surprised! Here are a few examples:

• Last summer, one of my aunts told me that Rylie's fearless approach to big animals reminded her of me when I was a young girl. Rylie also loves symmetry (like me), insisting on equal treatment for both sides of her body - if you kiss one of her hands, you must also kiss the other one!
• Kolbie has some "OCD" tendencies, reminding me of myself (he insists on peeling the little stringy bits of peel off bananas and the white stuff off of oranges, he appreciates the importance of wiping public toilet seats before use, he doesn't tolerate dirty hands for long, and is just very particular in general!).
• Logan enjoys clothes-free living, which reminds me of a story I heard about Brian streaking down a hospital corridor when he was quite young! (I've heard stories of when he was a bit older, but I'll leave those for another time!!)

I know a lot of these traits are common to a lot of people, but I also believe they are gifts from God, little touches of grace to show us that these children were meant to be with us. That when He formed them He already knew who their parents were going to be. I am unspeakably grateful for them, and even if they weren't anything like me, I would still adore them to pieces. The fact that they resemble us in so many ways fills my heart with wonder and delight! They are such unexpected and beautiful gifts, and I can't thank Him enough for entrusting them to us.