The time-in is a beautiful way to connect while correcting. (Watch Dr. Karyn Purvis explain it here.) It's different from a time-out in that it does not separate the child from the parent. The child stays physically close to the parent until they are able to self-regulate and calm themselves, then any issues are resolved and life carries on. It's designed not as punishment, but as a way to give our children the time and space they need to self-regulate (while staying connected to us) so they can then help bring resolution to whatever situation got them to time-in in the first place. One of the reasons I love the time-in idea is that it is a physical expression of the way God parents us. In His word, He promises never to leave or forsake us. (see Deuteronomy 31:6) He promises that no matter where we go, we can never run away from His love. (see Psalm 139:7-16 and Romans 8:38,39) I think that's a beautiful thing to show our children: no matter how they're behaving, we won't reject them. We'll stay close and help them dig out of whatever pit they've got themselves in.
With all of that behind the idea of the time-in, why haven't we done it yet?! There are a few reasons, but mostly it's due to a lack of consistent effort on our part. When we first took Empowered to Connect training, we heard of families who have a designated time-in (or 'think it over') seat that the parent and child will go to when the child needs to be removed from the situation. For at least one of our kids, this was too similar to a time-out, and therefore unbearable. We've also heard of another family who has a time-in basket with a variety of activities for the child to do when they need a time-in. This seemed like it would be a better fit for our family, so we tried it, but we never got past the "kids wanting to play with the basket of puzzles and fidgets all the time" stage. In other words, I got frustrated and impatient and gave up too soon!
So, we've come up with our own version of the time-in. We've been using "How Does Your Engine Run?" with the kids for some time now, and they like the idea of their engines overheating when they're angry. This is not surprising, given their love of all things related to trains and Thomas the Tank Engine! They are steadily improving in their ability to communicate what their body needs to get their engine back to green. We've decided to call the time-in a 'Cool Down' and they get a choice of activity as they cool down. I chose the activities based on things I know will appeal to each child, and they're activities that they can do any time. When they choose it as a cool down activity and take a stick out of the cup, the other kids have to go somewhere else to play.
We're only two days in to this new routine, but so far so good! We haven't had any major melt downs yet, but they have been practicing going to a 'cool down spot' whenever they need a break from their siblings. I'm optimistic, and I'm hoping that by blogging about it, I'll have the needed accountability to stick with it this time! And, as always, I'm depending on the Holy Spirit for the patience and perseverance to see it through. Without Him, my most innovative and creative ideas can fail spectacularly!
For some guidelines and tips to set up the time-in with your family, check out "Keys to an Effective Time-In With Your Child".
Do you use something similar in your home? How does it work for you? What have you done to customise it for your family?
Love this! I know whose post is going up next Tuesday on the Tapestry Blog. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Annie! Glad you liked it. :-)
DeleteJust came across your post and wondering if you have an update?
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking the other day that I should post an update! Hopefully I'll get to that in the next week or two. Thanks for the reminder!
DeleteHi Colleen,
ReplyDeleteThis is brilliant. I recently spent a week helping my sister whose adopted toddler was throwing a lot of tantrums. My sister's default was to send her daughter away to any and every babysitter who would take her. Fortunately most of the babysitters are family (2 grandmas and 3 aunties) plus a couple of other people, but my mom felt that my sister (who is also adopted) was running away and reacting out of post-adoptive stress. As mom described the scenario, I saw how their attachment bond could erode if this pattern continued. My husband suggested that I go there to help and my pastor's wife provided several resources and suggested "holding time," which involves those ideas of staying close to the parent while learning to self-regulate.
So I went for a week. The first day (Tuesday) involved a lot of discussion and observation: how were my sister and brother-in-law doing things? What would my niece respond to positively and what would she ignore or resist? It appeared that they didn't know how to distinguish different types of crying: hungry, sad, angry, tired, etc. So my sister needed to learn how to listen with discernment and then respond appropriately and courageously.
I suggested holding time, but my sister didn't really use it until Friday. It was stressful at first (my sister felt mean), but it had a dramatic result as she met the conflict, pulled baby in and held her front to front. My niece resisted, but my sister just kept tucking her back in and talking her through it ("You need to listen to mommy. Mommy told you not to do that and you did. I know you can stop crying. You need to self-regulate. I'm going to hold you until you stop."). The first two times, baby calmed down, they cuddled and connected for a few minutes, but when my sister put her down, baby paused, started crying again, then turned and reached for mommy! It was a brilliant confirmation that baby's increasing anxiety had been a result of feeling disconnected and powerless and that she needed MORE attention, not less!
But there is no single formula, is there? Everything you have written here resonates. Parenting takes courage and persistence and creativity.
Thanks for sharing this, Colleen. And a big YES! to courage, persistence and creativity!
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