A number of years ago I read part of a book entitled "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." The premise of the book, articulated so succinctly in the title, was that we can conquer fear by being brave. Once we force ourselves to let go of our fear and do the thing that needs doing, we'll find we didn't have that much to fear after all, which will lead to less fear in the future. (I'm sure there was more to the book than that, but it's been a while and that was my take-away!) At the time, I figured that was true - many of our fears are irrational and without foundation, so challenging them head-on seemed wise.
I'm questioning that premise these days. I still believe there's truth there, and I put it in to practice every time I go to the zoo with my kids. It goes something like this: Snakes. [shudder] "Hey, guys! Look at that one curled up around the tree!" As I face this particular fear, it is fading a bit. I still have zero desire to get close to a snake, but I can at least look at one behind glass without feeling panicky!
My question has to do more with the ultimate cure for fear. Since we first started learning about Empowered to Connect and the needs of our children, we have learned a lot about the chronic and pervasive effect of fear on an individual. And the more we learn about our kids, the more we realize how fear-driven they can be. One of our children is easily startled and can be very fearful of things that don't seem to warrant such a strong fear response. We have learned that saying things like, "Don't be silly! There's nothing to be afraid of - just do it!" is not a helpful strategy. The part of his brain that could respond to logic is basically off-line when he's afraid. The fear is real and paralyzing in that moment. Suggesting that we don't believe he has anything to be afraid of communicates that we don't really understand him or have empathy for him. This will reduce his ability to trust us, decreasing the likelihood that he will come to us for help the next time he's afraid. This is not our goal! We want our kids to feel so secure in our love that they'll come to us with their hurts and fears so we can figure it out together. We want them to know that we will acknowledge their fear, comfort them, then walk with them as they face whatever obstacle is in their path.
I believe trust is the only lasting cure for fear. As our kids trust that they are safe to share their fears with us, they will find comfort in our presence and an increased confidence to face their fears. The awesome thing about this is that it's exactly how God deals with us when we're afraid! I started to think of examples in the Bible when people are afraid and God invites them to trust Him, and many came to mind. One is Moses at the burning bush in Exodus 3 - Moses had good reason to be afraid, but God didn't try to talk Moses out of his fear; He responded by displaying His power and assuring Moses of His presence. In 2 Kings 6, when the king of Aram sends his army to take out Elisha and Elisha's servant cries out in fear, God once again displays His power, enabling the servant to see the angel armies all around him. When Jesus invites Peter to walk on water in Matthew 14, Peter has a legitimate fear of drowning. Again, the message from Jesus is, "I'm right here! You can trust me!"
In all of these examples, it was not forced bravery but the presence of God that made all the difference. In the same way, I believe we must be present for our children and be a safe place for them to share their fears; then they can learn to trust and let go of their over-developed fear responses. And, as always, I am learning at least as much as I'm asking my children to learn... I've found myself fighting fear often over the last couple of months. As I have surrendered my fears to God and trusted in the presence of His Holy Spirit, I have found peace and confidence. The reasons to be afraid might still be there, both for us and for our children, but we can learn to trust in God's presence, and find that His perfect love drives out fear. Every. Single. Time.
*For more on the fear factor when parenting children from hard places, please read this excellent article from Empowered to Connect:
Learning to Trust and Let Go of Fear « Empowered To Connect
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