Dancing over Texas

A cloudless night
A nearly full moon
Flashes of light spark,
then fizzle
As moonlight dances on water.
Like fireworks on the ground
or a sparkler on a birthday cake -
An unexpected gift at 30,000 feet.
A ribbon of water is suddenly illuminated
as the moon flies over a winding creek,
then disappears just as suddenly.

My heart is filled with wonder, delight, peace...
"Fear not,"
God whispers to my soul,
"Let's play."
And I know -
this is where I'm meant to be.
Hope and joy cascade into gratitude,
overwhelming me with extravagant love.

The Good Parent...

What does it mean to be a good parent? This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I always assumed good parents would have good kids, but I'm starting to question this assumption. On one hand, I know that my kids are just like all other humans - capable of great love and beauty, but also able to bring a world of hurt and disappointment down on themselves and those who love them. On the other hand, I've found myself operating under the deeper assumption that if I do my job right, then my children will bear the evidence of all my hard work their entire lives. Right?! (Don't get me wrong - I do, and will always, believe that parents hold immense power and responsibility for how their children grow and develop - I'm just wondering if my underlying assumptions and motivations need adjustment!)

After all, people aren't puppets - if I wanted total control, I probably should have become a ventriloquist. It seems incredibly self-centered, now that I think about it... to believe that my children's behaviour is a reflection on me. As if my self-worth as a parent is dependent on their behaviour! Seems like a recipe for disaster. What happens when I apply this model to my own parents? They're quite wonderful folks, and they love me a lot. I consider them to be very good parents. My choices in my twenties, however, likely made them feel like complete failures. They're not.

And what about God? It's widely acknowledged that He is the only perfect parent, but how have His kids turned out? Throughout history, from the accounts of God's people in the bible to the lives of Christians today, we see spectacular examples of imperfection - deep character flaws leading to huge disasters. Do I think that God is a failure as a parent? Well, no... When I reflect on my own life, I see how God has always loved me, despite my failures. I see that He has redeemed my mistakes, and brought about great beauty through them. I see how my life has been restored, and realize that much of what I see now would not exist if I had not made the mistakes I did. Through it all, God has remained the same: loving, merciful, gracious, forgiving, and always guiding me to what's right and good.

So, back to my question. What does it mean to be a good parent? Perhaps it's not ultimately about my children's behaviour. Maybe MY behaviour is what I should use to define my success as a parent... Am I working to reflect the love and character of God to my children? Do I respond to their mistakes and failures with grace and forgiveness? Or am I allowing my feelings of success and self-worth to be determined by their actions, which are largely out of my control? Hmmm...

My "To Do" List, revised

I truly enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get to cross things off my "To Do" list. Sometimes I'm even tempted to put stuff like "shower" and "drink coffee" on it just so I can experience the thrill of achievement again!

As Brian and I have been preparing for our Empowered to Connect training, we've been enthusiastically trying out new strategies with the kids, and striving to be more consistent with all the stuff we already knew we should be doing but had gotten a little lazy with. The more I learn about the Empowered to Connect model, the more I realize how much I need to step up my game as a mom. And the more I wonder how I'm ever going to get the stuff on my "To Do" list done... So, I decided to re-think my list. Here's what I came up with.

1. Vacuum the house. Make eye contact and keep my facial expression soft and warm when my vacuuming is interrupted for the umpteenth time.
2. Grocery shopping. Keep my voice gentle and playful, especially when Logan is busy adding random items to the cart.
3. Do the dishes. Take advantage of all offers of "help" to have a little sensory fun with the kids and build relationships through teamwork and affectionate physical contact.
4. Play with the kids. When confronted with perceived misbehaviour, ask myself, "What need or want is driving this behaviour? How can I help my child practice the right behaviour?"
5. Remember to cut myself some slack, lean on God, make time to laugh, and celebrate my successes. None of this really comes naturally to me, so any and all improvements need a little pat on the back!

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.                   ~Ephesians 2:10

As I learn and grow and practice, practice, practice, I am being transformed. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for all the good things He has planned for me to do.

(For more info on what we're learning, visit http://empoweredtoconnect.org/)

Where were you on 9/11?

Every year around this time, I get the inevitable question, "Do you remember where you were on 9/11?" Usually I respond with my physical location, but today it occurred to me that I could answer that question very differently.

10 years ago, I was a hollow shell of myself... Desperate to extricate myself from a co-dependent, unhealthy relationship. Unable to see light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Aware that my actions and my deceit had deeply wounded those who loved me most. Feeling far from God and wondering if my life would ever regain its colour and joy. Certain that my actions had ensured a future of singleness since no one would want someone with this kind of past.

Today, I am being made whole. Firmly rooted in healthy relationships free from secrets. Able to enjoy a life filled with light and colour and joy. Feeling close to God and filled with wonder at the fact that I was given this second chance. Grateful that my past does not define me, or doom me to a miserable present.

This year, when I reflect on the tragic events of September 11, 2001, I will remember those who lost their lives. I will also take time to thank God for the new life He has given me since that day. I will remember where I once was, and give praise to my Creator for lavishing His love and grace on me.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God's grace that you have been saved!)                        ~Ephesians 2:4,5

Matrix Moments

I've been thinking about this blog post for weeks (where has the month of August gone, exactly?!), and I decided to re-read my previous posts to make sure I'm not getting too repetitive! I discovered a definite theme - it seems that we're building up to something big. And I think we're starting to get a bit of clarity as to what that might be!

Clarity is a tricky thing. For years, we've had a burden on our hearts for older children in the foster care system who are waiting for a family of their own. Over the last few months, we've both felt certain that this is something we are still supposed to do. At the same time, we've been meeting with a number of like-minded people. People who feel certain that something needs to be done for these kids so that they can experience the love and security of belonging to a family... We are so incredibly excited to be a part of this!

So where does The Matrix come in? Well, we've noticed that any time we start thinking about doing something big and risky and scary and exciting, there is a force at work enticing us to maintain the status quo. It's as if we've lived in a comfortable, safe reality for most of our lives, and we are starting to want to live with our eyes open to a reality that includes a lot of hurt, heartache, and discomfort. Our safe, comfortable reality is not easily overthrown, however. We are often plagued by self-doubt - whenever I lose my patience with one of the kids I think, "Who am I kidding?! Can I really handle another one?!" We are fighting the temptation to embrace a certain lifestyle - "What about vacations to Disneyland? Pedicures? How much are we going to have to sacrifice?!" Really, we're caught between 2 conflicting worldviews - one that teaches that the best thing we can do for our kids is strive for a certain standard of living. The other teaches that true joy and fulfillment can come only when we stop living solely for ourselves and our own comfort, and start to live with eyes and hearts wide open to a world that desperately needs love and grace and second chances...

The movie analogy has its limitations. In The Matrix, once a character chose to throw off the matrix and live in "reality" that was all they saw. They could make trips back into the world as they once knew it, but they remained committed to living in the true reality. Life for us is more complicated: we have to train our eyes to view the world differently. We have to continue to live in one reality while maintaining our awareness of another reality. Not always easy to do.

Jesus was aware of this tension. In John 17, Jesus prays for his disciples. In fact, he prays for all of us who consider ourselves his followers (verse 20). He acknowledges that his followers "do not belong to this world any more than I do" (verse 16). He prays for unity and love and protection for us as we live a life that shows God's love to the world.

If that's our calling, then bring it on! We'll continue to fight through the self-doubt and the seduction of our culture. We'll embrace opportunities to step into uncomfortable situations if it means that a hurting heart will experience God's love. And we'll strive for continued clarity as we figure out exactly how God is going to use us to make a difference in the lives of kids in our world.

Me do it!

I waste a lot of time trying to do things for my two year old. I'm usually in a hurry and since she's only 2 it takes her longer to do things than I'd like so I try to do them for her. Inevitably, I end up standing there waiting while she re-does whatever I just tried to do for her. And the whole time she's shaking her finger at me and lecturing me: "Me do it next time, Mommy. Me do it!" Sometimes I remember to let her try it on her own and step in only when she asks for help, but since I'm still working on the whole patience thing, often I try to help her along. I'm trying to teach her that it's okay to let people do things for you once in a while, that sometimes you're not tall enough or strong enough or quick enough and it's okay to admit it.

Last night Brian and I were watching this documentary about a paraplegic climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. He reminded me of Rylie because he was absolutely determined to do it all on his own. In fact, he almost gave up when he reached a rock field because there was no way he could get over it unless he was carried, and this would have meant that he had failed to achieve his goal. Thankfully he recognized that being carried does not mean you've failed, it merely means that you're human, and every now and then we all come across a stretch that we simply cannot navigate on our own.

I think most of us like to be seen as competent, self-sufficient individuals. I know I do! I've often thought that my plunge into motherhood was exactly what I needed to expose my limitations and force me to rely on God for the strength, patience, wisdom and love I need to get through each day. People often wonder how we managed so many kids so quickly. As much as I'd like to pretend that I'm superhuman, I have to acknowledge that God carries us. A lot! And I believe that being carried by the all powerful God of the universe beats trying to do it all on my own. Why struggle to maintain the self-sufficient facade when God is waiting, with unlimited power, for me to ask for whatever I need?

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Embracing Discomfort

I finally got the wading pool out for the kids yesterday. They were so happy! Feeling fairly self-satisfied, I pulled up a chair and prepared to relax and watch them have fun. I use the term "relax" quite loosely, of course. I did get out of my chair to break up the occasional squabble, make lunch, get towels, put Rylie down for her nap, and run in and out of the house on innumerable errands. All things considered, though, I was doing a fair bit of sitting. It didn't take long for Kolbie to want more than my passive participation. He started by asking, "You coming in pool too, Mommy?" I explained that since I didn't have a swimsuit on, I wouldn't. This satisfied him for a while, but then he started making comments about how much fun he was having, and how I should try it too. Apparently kids don't have an understanding of spectator sports. Before I could formulate a decent excuse, he was pleading, "Come in the pool, Mommy, please please please?!" It occurred to me that one doesn't really require a swimsuit to step into a kids' wading pool, and that I could probably suck it up and walk around in there for a while. I started to take off my flip flops and commented that they should make room - 3 kids and an assortment of buckets and shovels can fill up a wading pool. Kolbie immediately began shoving toys out of the way. At this point, I was starting to feel a little humbled. Then he noticed that I was hesitating and started to brush all the bits of grass in the water out of my way as well. Feeling more than humbled, I stepped in and walked around a bit.

I've realized that I often decline (or grudgingly accept) these types of invitations from the kids because I'm unwilling to experience discomfort. And yet, I firmly believe that God's best plans for us involve a whole lot of discomfort at times. If we're serious about experiencing the grand adventures God has in mind for us, then we'll have to do more than dip our toes into a wading pool. We might just have to throw ourselves bravely into a raging river. So if I can't even splash around with the kids for a few minutes, how am I going to handle real discomfort when it comes my way? If, as Pastor Scott likes to say, every decision determines our destiny, then I need to take advantage of these opportunities to embrace discomfort.

Lately, Brian and I have been feeling a stirring in our hearts, as though God is calling us to be a part of something really big. Something totally beyond ourselves and out of our comfort zones. We're quite excited and more than a little apprehensive! We don't know yet exactly what it will be, but we want to be ready when that clarity comes. And I have a feeling that part of my preparation involves setting aside my desire for comfort and jumping into murky water once in a while. It's time to "live a life worthy of the calling I have received"! (Ephesians 4:1)