Follow the Script!

I've always had a secret dream to be a famous Hollywood actress. Other than a few brief moments in the spotlight in church plays and a high school production, however, my acting career never really amounted to much! Maybe my love of theatre is part of why I'm drawn to the idea of scripts as a parenting tool... I get to produce, direct and star in my very own show!!

Seriously, though, I first learned about scripts in the parenting context when reading The Connected Child. The book includes a section with a list of 'Life Value Scripts.' These are positive ways to teach skills to our children that focus on practicing and praising the desired behaviour. Scripts such as "Gentle and kind" and "Show respect" encourage our children onto the right path. One of my favourite scripts when the kids were a bit younger was "Stick together" - an essential skill when venturing out in public with little ones. Come to think of it, we still practice this one whenever we cross a road!

One of my recent favourites is "With permission and supervision." I used this script one day with two of my kiddoes, who had been quiet upstairs for quite some time. Spidey senses tingling, I went to check on them, and found little piles of dog hair in their bedroom. As soon as they saw me, they hid their hands behind their backs and claimed they didn't know anything about it! I continued to gently pursue the truth, and they soon confessed to giving the dogs haircuts. Other than looking ridiculous, no harm had been done to the dogs, so I decided to try and keep things positive. (Besides, the fact that they tried to hide what they had done proved that they already knew they shouldn't have done it. No further teaching was required on that point!) I told them that sometimes I do trim the dogs' hair, but that in the future they would need permission and supervision in order to do it. They seemed relieved as they handed over the scissors and helped pick up the dog hair. The script had helped me to stay positive and focused on the desired behaviour, rather than reacting with negative emotions and an unnecessary lecture. And, because this is a script we use in other situations (lighting candles, handling tools, anything they can dream up that might involve hospitalization or an insurance claim...), I'm confident that they won't cut the dogs' hair without permission again!

Scripts are also beneficial in shaping my behaviour as a parent. We deal with our fair share of meltdowns and extreme behaviour, and many times we have come away from one of these episodes with the realization that our words did not help to de-escalate the situation. I was starting to get very frustrated as I found myself saying the wrong thing over and over in the heat of the moment. Try as I might, I couldn't stem the flow of harsh, punitive words. I kept lecturing and threatening consequences, driving my child further into destructive behaviour rather than offering a way out. My husband and I decided to give ourselves a script to use when one of our kids was out of control. We agreed on the following phrases:
I love you.
You're not in trouble.
Let me help you.
We still often say the wrong thing and make the situation worse. But when we focus on our script, things get resolved a lot sooner.

I recently came across a third way to use scripts in parenting. I've been reading Deborah Gray's book Attaching Through Love, Hugs and Play. At one point, she discusses the importance of entering into interactions with our children with a positive mindset rather than a grouchy and overwhelmed mindset. She shared how she would 're-set' her brain when she was driving home from work so that she wasn't bringing the stress of her job home. She would practice some relaxation techniques, then repeat a simple "mission statement" to herself. This statement focused on who she is and what she's about. A mission statement might remind us of how important our families are to us and what a privilege it is to be a parent. She describes them as "'big picture' descriptions [that] help us put things into perspective and to have more balanced brain patterns." (p. 74) I realized that I need a mission statement because I often enter challenging interactions with my kids feeling distracted, grouchy and overwhelmed. My self-talk in those moments is negative; I think about how unfair everything is, and what a failure I am... Our children pick up on our moods very quickly. If I'm being driven by frustration, resentment and shame, that's what I'll elicit in them. After reading this section in Gray's book, I decided to script my self-talk. Multiple times throughout the day, but especially when I'm starting to stress about certain behaviours or situations with the kids, I say this to myself:
I am deeply loved.
I'm a good mom.
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I have the skills and strength I need to meet every situation with the joyful determination to be emotionally present, and to see the preciousness in my children.
As I speak these truths over myself, I feel fear and shame fade away, and strength and peace return.

Scripts are in no way a quick fix! Rather, they are a long-term discipline. Merriam-Webster's online dictionary offers a few definitions of 'script' but my favourite is "a plan of action." I like that because it acknowledges the link between our words and our behaviour. As we practice speaking words that are positive and focused on the behaviour that we want to see, we will see behaviour changed as a result. So let's be intentional with the words we use with our children (and with ourselves!) because our words have the power to transform our actions.

Walking a Tightrope, part 2

Last May, I wrote a post about the importance of high nurture/high structure parenting. I called it "Walking a Tightrope" because it's a tricky thing to do - it takes a LOT of practice, and it's easy to lose your footing and veer off to one side or the other. When I slip and land on the high structure/low nurture side, I turn in to a controlling, unhappy person: I'm so busy demanding right behaviour from my children (and being upset with them when they don't do the right thing) that I don't spend time connecting with them and making sure they feel loved and safe. Occasionally I fall off the other side where nurture is high and structure is low. At these times I'm usually too exhausted to guide them through the correct behaviour so I give up and end up reaping the consequences of being overly permissive!

Lately I've been recognizing another application of the high nurture/high structure approach. Not surprisingly, we've been dealing with some challenging behaviours since the Christmas holidays. One of our boys has been unable to handle the smallest disappointments, melting down over a lack of rice krispies in the cereal cupboard, for example! He's been taking out his frustration in unacceptable ways, and I have found myself turning into that unhappy, controlling mother - demanding better behaviour while attempting to punish him by withdrawing my love. What I've learned is that as structure increases, nurture needs to increase as well. In other words, the more behaviour I need to correct, the more opportunities I need to make to connect. This may mean reading stories on the couch when I'd rather be checking facebook. It may mean simplifying our schedule during the day and going grocery shopping after they're in bed rather than taking them along (the grocery store is NOT a good place for an emotionally fragile/volatile child!). It definitely means I need to go back to the basics of connecting while correcting - using playful engagement, being aware and in control of my voice and body language, and making sure that physical needs for food, drink, and activity are being met. Doing the right thing and digging out after a meltdown is hard work for my boy, but he needs to know that I haven't abandoned him and that I still love him. He needs reassurance that we're in this together, no matter what. The only way he'll know this is if I'm staying connected to him.

It's hard work. It's most certainly easier said than done! But it's absolutely crucial. And, as Paul points out in 1 Timothy 4:8, the training will pay off. As I persist in my efforts to be a "tightrope walker" I find that my ability to balance improves. I still have to fight the urge to be punitive and dismissing, but as I push past those feelings and take the time to connect, I find that the correction is a little easier too.

Walking a Tightrope

One of the more difficult aspects of my parenting journey thus far has been unlearning and relearning parenting strategies. I'm finding that many of my automatic, default reactions are (NEWSFLASH!) not gentle, kind, patient or loving. I'm finding that when I am inconvenienced, embarrassed, or otherwise frustrated by my children's misbehaviour, my instinct is to do something that will make them as miserable as I'm feeling in that moment - withdraw my affection, take away something they enjoy, lash out in anger so they realize just how serious their infractions are... you get the idea. Giving in to my initial instinct may cause a temporary course correction, but I'm finding that we end up much further off-course in the long run - less connected, and not much better behaved.

So, I've been trying to unlearn my natural tendencies and relearn correcting strategies that keep me connected to my kids. The learning curve is steep - most of the time I feel like I'm trying to swim uphill through mud - but the view is increasingly spectacular! One of our recent issues has been learning the art of departing well. Whether it's Heritage Park, church, or Grandma & Grandpa's house, the kids have been digging in their heels when it comes time to go home. Since I don't believe that forcing them in to their carseats is going to bring about the long-term results we're hoping for (read: they're getting bigger and stronger and can get themselves out of their carseats), we've had to dig deep for a strategy that will keep us connected, but will result in actually being able to leave a fun place in a sane manner. We tried bribes and threats (stay tuned for a future post on the use of consequences!) but found that the only thing that mattered to them was squeezing a few extra minutes out of the experience. I tried a creative approach - I suggested that we could pretend the van is a train and they could be the passengers waiting on a platform. The flatbed trailer at my parents' place was the perfect pretend platform, I figured... This approach had minimal success, as once they were on the trailers they couldn't quite see the point of getting in the van.

Time to dig a little deeper. In the process of preparing to teach Empowered to Connect, I was reminded of the importance of being proactive in our parenting. We need to prepare our kids for transitions. Practice beforehand. Think ahead to difficult situations and talk through how they're going to go before we get there. As the old adage goes - "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." I'm trying to remember to discuss my expectations with the kids beforehand, and ask them for ideas as to how we can make it go better. We're starting to see some encouraging results.

The other thing that has occurred to me is that leaving somewhere they really love (like grandparents' homes) could feel like a huge loss to them. We see Brian's parents a few times a year, but those months in between could feel like an eternity to a pre-schooler. We have the privilege of living 15 minutes away from my folks, and we usually see them at least once a week. In the winter, though, they head to Phoenix to escape the cold and we only get to see them on Skype while they're gone. Perhaps the kids have a subconscious fear that saying goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa could mean a really long separation. While this is not an excuse to be stubborn and disobedient when it's time to go home, it can help us as parents be understanding and compassionate as we seek to correct the behaviour. We're currently experimenting with a 'leaving ritual' that involves remembering our favourite parts of the day and looking forward to our next visit. Hopefully that will help a little.

In the meantime, we will continue to walk the tightrope between nurture and structure. Striving to maintain our compassion and understanding as we guide our children. Reminding ourselves of their preciousness when we are faced with their naughtiness. Building healthy boundaries and firm structures that will encourage good behaviour. And every time we fall off the tightrope by losing our compassion or by neglecting structure, by the grace of God we'll climb back on and try it again.