Drowning/Rescued

It was the morning of Friday, June 19^th, and I was drowning in fear. Later that day, my mom would undergo surgery to partially remove a tumour from her brain, and I could not free myself from the overwhelming fear that I might never see her again. We had learned about the tumour just a few weeks earlier, and it felt like life was spinning out of control. Like many of us, I had always seen my parents as somewhat invincible. My dad has survived polio, heart disease, and cancer, and my mom has always been strong and healthy. Even before the diagnosis of cancer, I had felt an oppressive sense that something bad was about to happen. Sadness and fear had draped themselves over me, and I couldn’t shake the sense of impending doom. On the morning of her surgery I cried out to God, desperate for rescue. I prayed that He would help me to see Him.  Immediately, the image of a face filled my mind. I knew instantly that the Holy Spirit had broken through, because the fear was gone! I felt only peace, and the story of Peter walking on water with Jesus came to mind. I had been terrified and sinking, but Jesus had reached out and rescued me! In the middle of the storm, Jesus spoke to his disciples, saying, “Don’t be afraid. Take courage. I am here!” (Matthew 14:27 NLT) Throughout that day and the days that followed, I felt the Lord’s presence wrapping around me. A supernatural peace stayed with me as I hugged my mom at the hospital, and I was able to recognize that my fear that I would never see her again was based on a lie. I was reminded that even if she died, this was not the end because we share an eternal destiny in heaven.

We are very grateful for the good health Mom enjoyed after her surgery and during her treatments. One of her doctors even called her a ‘poster child’ for cancer treatment! She experienced only minimal side effects, and her MRI in October showed that the tumour was stable (not growing). When Mom and Dad left for Phoenix at the beginning of November, I assumed it would be a time of rest and rejuvenation for them. Shortly after arriving, however, Mom was diagnosed with shingles. The medication worked fairly quickly, and the shingles were clearing up, but Mom was weak and exhausted. We thought she was simply recovering from the shingles, but her condition worsened. By the time they arrived home at the end of November, she was having difficulty walking. On Tuesday of last week, Dad took her in to the hospital. After much testing, it was confirmed that the tumour is growing and she has been experiencing mild seizures. Thankfully, she was able to go home on Friday and has been resting more comfortably there than in the hospital. We are hoping the adjustments they’ve made to her medications will counteract her symptoms, and she has appointments in the coming days to discuss next steps in terms of further treatment.

Receiving this news has been extremely difficult, and I can feel the fear threatening to take over again. We do not know what the future holds, and the “what ifs” can be overwhelming… What if this is our last Christmas together? How do I even find joy this Christmas season? The thought of losing her is unbearable. All I can do when the waves of fear wash over me is reach for my Saviour’s hand. And every time I am reminded that He is with me. No matter what the future holds, He is with me. There is no room for fear in the presence of such perfect love, and I am deeply grateful!

(taken Mother's Day, 2015, weeks before Mom's diagnosis)