An Act of True Love

I love the movie “Frozen.” I love the music, and I love that Kristoff is such an unconventional Prince Charming. Of course, I love Olaf. Who doesn’t love Olaf?! Most of all, I love Anna’s brave, self-sacrificial love. When she turns away from Kristoff and steps in front of Elsa to shield her from the sword of Hans, my heart is stirred. Such selflessness, to choose her sister’s life over her own! And then, the happy ending: Anna is healed, her relationship with her sister is restored, and summer returns to the land! An ‘act of true love’ saved her. It looked very different from the romantic kiss she envisioned, but the result was healing and restoration, and we celebrate! (And we graciously watch endless performances of “Let it Go”…!)

I wonder, though, how many of us have become caught up in ‘happily ever after’ thinking when it comes to our parenting. We enter adoption and foster care for many different reasons but I believe most of us are motivated by love. We have experienced the joy of being part of a loving family, and we want to share that love with someone who needs it. So, we welcome a child from a hard place into our home and we celebrate! Maybe there is an airport welcome, or a baby shower, or a court date resulting in a judge signing an adoption order. Perhaps at some point in our journey we learned that there would be twists and turns, and that we’d need to embrace new ways of doing things, so we have engaged in a process of unlearning old ways and learning new ways so that our children will be able to receive our love and heal. Whatever the particulars of our stories are, I believe it’s easy to become resentful when our expectations remain unmet. What happens when the celebrations fade and life as a family remains difficult? How do we manage our disappointment when we have eagerly applied trust-based parenting techniques and, despite many gains, our children still display maladaptive behaviours that we thought would have disappeared by now?

For myself, I want parenting kids from hard places to be like a movie – in a burst of heroic energy I engage in an act of true love and my child is healed. Relationships are restored and we celebrate! But the reality is that healing takes time. The children who come to us through adoption and foster care will require much, much more than a one-time heroic act. They will require a sacrificial love that commits to loving them with a steady faithfulness over time, never giving up.

I love how this is illustrated for us by our Heavenly Father. When the Israelites are rescued from slavery in Egypt, God doesn’t just take them straight to the Promised Land, expecting they’ll be able to handle it. Instead, He guides them through the wilderness for 40 years, meeting their needs and teaching them about who He is and of His great love for them. He takes His children, who are from a very hard place, and guides them slowly, with high degrees of nurture and structure, until they trust Him and are ready for the task ahead.

And so it is with our children. We may feel as though we are wandering through a wilderness, waiting in vain for a sighting of the Promised Land. When we feel tempted to despair because our heroic act of true love hasn’t achieved the results we were expecting, perhaps we need to adjust our expectations and remind ourselves that true love is less about grand gestures than it is about making a hundred small, seemingly unnoticed sacrifices a day.

Responding playfully to a child who is being defiant and mouthy is an act of true love.

Willingly accompanying a child to get something from the basement because he’s too afraid to go alone is an act of true love.

Wrapping a child in a warm embrace moments after she’s said and done hurtful things is an act of true love.

Looking past the meltdown to meet a child’s sensory needs in a crowded public place is an act of true love.

Setting aside your own agenda to meet a child halfway when he’s asked for a compromise is an act of true love.

Choosing to spend one-on-one time with a child when you feel she least deserves it is an act of true love.

True love, it turns out, will persevere even when the short-term results seem discouraging. I will still watch and enjoy movies with neat, tidy, happy endings, because they’re a lot of fun! But I will examine my motives and expectations on a regular basis, especially when I start to feel disappointed and resentful, and remind myself that we are in this for the long haul. As we remind parents in ETC Parent Training, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint! And it is helpful to ground ourselves often in the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT, emphasis mine)