The Good Parent...

What does it mean to be a good parent? This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I always assumed good parents would have good kids, but I'm starting to question this assumption. On one hand, I know that my kids are just like all other humans - capable of great love and beauty, but also able to bring a world of hurt and disappointment down on themselves and those who love them. On the other hand, I've found myself operating under the deeper assumption that if I do my job right, then my children will bear the evidence of all my hard work their entire lives. Right?! (Don't get me wrong - I do, and will always, believe that parents hold immense power and responsibility for how their children grow and develop - I'm just wondering if my underlying assumptions and motivations need adjustment!)

After all, people aren't puppets - if I wanted total control, I probably should have become a ventriloquist. It seems incredibly self-centered, now that I think about it... to believe that my children's behaviour is a reflection on me. As if my self-worth as a parent is dependent on their behaviour! Seems like a recipe for disaster. What happens when I apply this model to my own parents? They're quite wonderful folks, and they love me a lot. I consider them to be very good parents. My choices in my twenties, however, likely made them feel like complete failures. They're not.

And what about God? It's widely acknowledged that He is the only perfect parent, but how have His kids turned out? Throughout history, from the accounts of God's people in the bible to the lives of Christians today, we see spectacular examples of imperfection - deep character flaws leading to huge disasters. Do I think that God is a failure as a parent? Well, no... When I reflect on my own life, I see how God has always loved me, despite my failures. I see that He has redeemed my mistakes, and brought about great beauty through them. I see how my life has been restored, and realize that much of what I see now would not exist if I had not made the mistakes I did. Through it all, God has remained the same: loving, merciful, gracious, forgiving, and always guiding me to what's right and good.

So, back to my question. What does it mean to be a good parent? Perhaps it's not ultimately about my children's behaviour. Maybe MY behaviour is what I should use to define my success as a parent... Am I working to reflect the love and character of God to my children? Do I respond to their mistakes and failures with grace and forgiveness? Or am I allowing my feelings of success and self-worth to be determined by their actions, which are largely out of my control? Hmmm...

My "To Do" List, revised

I truly enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when I get to cross things off my "To Do" list. Sometimes I'm even tempted to put stuff like "shower" and "drink coffee" on it just so I can experience the thrill of achievement again!

As Brian and I have been preparing for our Empowered to Connect training, we've been enthusiastically trying out new strategies with the kids, and striving to be more consistent with all the stuff we already knew we should be doing but had gotten a little lazy with. The more I learn about the Empowered to Connect model, the more I realize how much I need to step up my game as a mom. And the more I wonder how I'm ever going to get the stuff on my "To Do" list done... So, I decided to re-think my list. Here's what I came up with.

1. Vacuum the house. Make eye contact and keep my facial expression soft and warm when my vacuuming is interrupted for the umpteenth time.
2. Grocery shopping. Keep my voice gentle and playful, especially when Logan is busy adding random items to the cart.
3. Do the dishes. Take advantage of all offers of "help" to have a little sensory fun with the kids and build relationships through teamwork and affectionate physical contact.
4. Play with the kids. When confronted with perceived misbehaviour, ask myself, "What need or want is driving this behaviour? How can I help my child practice the right behaviour?"
5. Remember to cut myself some slack, lean on God, make time to laugh, and celebrate my successes. None of this really comes naturally to me, so any and all improvements need a little pat on the back!

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.                   ~Ephesians 2:10

As I learn and grow and practice, practice, practice, I am being transformed. And I am overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for all the good things He has planned for me to do.

(For more info on what we're learning, visit http://empoweredtoconnect.org/)