Making Mistakes

The other day I was confronted with the realization that I had caused my oldest boy, Kolbie, pain. And it wasn't just inadvertently scratching him with my fingernails when I helped him dress, either, it was real emotional suffering. Here's what happened...

Our children are adopted. All three of them share the same birthmother, and they have three birth siblings. We are incredibly blessed to have contact with two of the three siblings and their adoptive parents. Now, I've always been a fan of using correct terminology with kids, and being appropriately open with them about their origins as adopted kids. For the most part, I think this is a good strategy. They view their story as normal, and you avoid dropping big bombshells on them later in life when it could send them for a real tailspin. So, when we introduced our kids to their younger siblings, I always called them "baby brother" and "baby sister." During our last visit with the other adoptive family, however, I noticed that Kolbie was acting very strangely. Then he threw a pretty big fit over nothing shortly after we got home. I was discussing it with Brian that night and he suggested that maybe Kolbie was having a difficult time dealing with the existence of a brother and a sister who didn't live with him, and that maybe we shouldn't refer to them as his brother and sister. I immediately disagreed, but decided to google it anyway, just to see if maybe he was on to something. Sure enough, I found an article stating that until kids are about 9 years old, they're not ready for the concept of siblings who don't live with them. It started to make sense - Kolbie's a really sensitive/keep-your-feelings-bottled-up-inside kind of guy who takes his responsibility as a big brother pretty seriously. Now he has to deal with the fact that he has a younger brother and sister he can't look after.

By this point, I'm feeling pretty lousy. The poor guy! I'm fairly confident that we can recover, and minimise the emotional fallout, but it's gotten me to thinking - how do we deal with it when our kids suffer as a result of our decisions? I think it's pretty tempting to beat ourselves up a little, spend some time in the land of "If Only" and try to quickly fix our mistake, no matter the cost. (I almost drove to Chapters that night to buy all the adoption-themed picture books I've been meaning to buy so I could get back on the right track with how I was talking to the kids about adoption.) In reality, I'm sure that with a little time, a few conversations, and some tweaked vocabulary, we'll see a definite improvement in how he handles visits with the other adoptive family.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect. I'm going to make mistakes with the kids and inflict more emotional suffering on them. (I'm pretty sure I'll embarrass them a time or two when they're teenagers, which they'll consider emotional suffering!) When it happens, I will apologize to them and to God. I will forgive myself and try to learn from my mistakes. And I will remember that my perfect Heavenly Father loves my precious babies even more than I do, and rest in the knowledge that He's in the business of turning life's messes into things of beauty.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.             ~Ephesians 3:20,21